What? Are you really reading this? Is Kaitlyn writing a "shit gets real" blog about something that isn't Toddlers and Tiarras or my sadistic love of finals week?
Yes. Yes I am.
I will try to keep it from getting super emotional though. Mostly because I hate when people get super emotional online. Not that the internet isn't a place to share your feelings. But it really bothers me. So if it bothers you too, I'm with you and will do my best to keep it witty. Dark and witty at best.
Ready?
Part 1: A Brief History for Confused Readers
If this is coming out of the blue, don't worry about it. I didn't talk about it much till this year. Here's what you need to know. My brother Nick died my freshman year of college. He was 16. He had a lot of emotional problems and was experimenting with some unhealthy coping mechanisms. My parent's found him in our basement on a rope on October 17th, 2010. I got the news via phone call from my dad at about 7:30pm about a half mile outside of Chicago.
Part 2: Why on Earth I Would Write Such A Heavy Downer Blog
Because no one has done it. Or at least as of October 18th, 2010 I could find nothing on the subject. And I like to have guides for things. So I turned to the internet. All the sites were geared towards parents grieving for their children. There was literally nothing for siblings. Self help books? There is one. It's called "An Empty Chair." I own it. It sucks. All the stories are from adults who lost their siblings to suicide looooong after they had been living apart for years. My brother and I were really tight. Couldn't relate to them at all. I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful human in my life who had lost her brother to suicide and she really helped me through it. For those of you who do not have any sympathizers, this is for you.
Part 3: Surviving the Death of a Sibling.
A Step by Step Guide for all the Shit that has just Hit the Fan.
Getting the News.
At this point, suicide feels like a logical next step. Suicide pacts sound even better. You're wrong. Don't do it. I distinctly remember trying to work out how I could go about offing myself in the backseat of my friend's car as they drove me back to Ohio without them noticing. Hate to create a scene ya know? Your brain isn't working correctly. Just keep yourself safe and get to your family.
Food.
I love food. And I didn't eat anything except a glass of chocolate milk and some coffee until October 20th. (Silver lining: lost 10 pounds. Fabulous). I think this is an acceptable thing. Just don't pass out. After day 2, force feed yourself some carbs. Go for bread.
Shameless.
You are super sad. This is the only time in your life when it's acceptable to be a fucking wreck. Take it in. I bawled and dry heaved my way through every other rest stop between Chicago and Cleveland. The looks I got. Horrifying. Worth it. Also, the emails I sent to my professors were basically,
Hi,
My brother just killed himself in our basement. I will not be in your class all week.
Kaitlyn.
This is the only time in your life you're allowed to be that level of ugly emotional. Go big or go home. If someone dare criticize you within 3 days of the death, fly off the handle. Justified.
The Funeral.
Go. It's hard. And depending on the method of suicide, it's less pretty than a regular funeral. Kiss um. Head's up, it's waxy. Let yourself ugly cry in front of everyone. Leave something in the coffin. Don't volunteer to speak at the service. Don't put the pressure on yourself to formulate words and get up in front of people. Your only job is to grieve. And that's hard enough. So focus on you.
Get Help
There is no shame in therapy. You probably need it.
"How Are Your Parent's Doing?"
Literally EVERYONE will ask you this this. It's as if they forget that YOU have just lost a sibling! Then you will google "help me my brother just killed himself" and all that shows up is an article about how siblings are the "forgotten grievers." And you're all like, "well yeah, I know. now what." Then you will want to die. I would see relatives, friends, teachers, people that I really needed support from and they would say something like, "Hey, I heard about Nick. Are your parents doing ok? This must be so hard for them." REALLY? REALLY. Yeah. I wanted to punch them in the face too. Try not to. Though if you do, it's totally justified. No one seems to understand this point, but I do. They don't understand that they are literally tearing out your insides and smashing them to a pulp. You deserve to hurt a whole whole lot. Just as much as your parents. Own that. Don't let people make you think you have less of a right to grieve.
Side note to anyone who comes in contact with the live sibling within a year of the death of their counterpart. Do NOT ask how their parents are. Just don't. You are there for your friend. Be there for your friend. Ask how they are doing. Everyone feels bad for the parents. People straight up forget about the sibs.
Side note two: If you have stumbled across this as a grieving sibling, feel free to contact me. I want to help you. It's basically why I posted this. Leave a comment. We'll figure it out. Hang in there.
So You're An Only Child Now?
This is rough. Everyone's situation is different, but I don't have any other siblings. If you're in this boat, losing one not only takes a person from you, but it takes a role. I loved being an older sister. I considered it part of my identity as a person. Without a younger sibling, it's rough to be an older sister. As far as time tables go, expect to feel like half of you is dead for about 4 months.
Start Spreading The News (Name that Show tune bonus prize!)
Well now you have to tell people right? I found calling people and dropping this huge bomb of hurt very therapeutic. So don't feel guilty if you're all like, "I'm so unbelievably sad, I just wanna bring every body down with me." They didn't lose a sibling. They'll be fine. Go for it.
Getting Back to Your Life.
Eventually, the super grief subsides. What you're left with is crippling depression and a weeks wroth of makeup work. But you'll be functioning. You can do it. When I came back to school, I didn't want to be known as "the girl with the suicidal brother." I kind of already earned that identity within my dorm and didn't want pity friends. I wanted people to meet Kaitlyn. Not "that girl with the dead brother". This made my transition back to school easier and harder. Easier because I didn't have to be constantly reminded of how sad I was. I could push the feelings aside if I wanted to and pretend that things were normal for a while. It was really hard though because I could see the support my parents were getting back home while I wasn't getting any of that. My freshman year friends were WONDERFUL and did so so so much to help me. I am forever grateful to them. But its very different from the situation my parents were in where they didn't have to explain anything. Everyone just knew that they were broken up.
Mixed Feelings on Home.
Being at college, I didn't have time to adjust to being in a home without Nick. I got sick every time I went home. I'd come home for three or four days at a time, a month at Christmas, and everything looked, smelled, and felt like it did the night I came home when Nick died. And I couldn't get past it. I realized at Easter that I hadn't changed my sheets at home since October. I changed um. Cleaned up my room. Felt better. If you're in college, expect it to take somewhere within a year for your house to feel anything other than tragic.
Every Time I Ride The Megabus, I Get Sick.
And I couldn't figure out why. Than I realized, the first time I road the megabus was to go home for Thanksgiving Freshman year a mere month after my brother had died. I was terrified to go home and have to deal with Nick's death again. And like any accomplished college partier knows, sense memory is real. Be prepared for these things. Deal with them accordingly. I recommend sit com DVDs.
Holidays
These are rough. You don't realize how much your siblings are a part of your holiday. Because holidays take people back to their childhood. Even when you're grown up. I combated this by giving myself tasks. Instead of watching the parade by myself, an activity I used to share with Nick, I helped cook stuff. The first ones are the worst. I honestly recommend taking a friend, cousin, boyfriend/girlfriend with you to a family dinner. Just so you have someone to pair off with. But after you've been through a few, these get easier too. I promise. You learn how to do holidays in a new way. And you appreciate them differently.
Coming Out of the Dead Sibling Closet.
I still have a rough time with this one. I talk about my brother pretty frequently. I don't think most of my friends I've made in college know that he is dead. And people react weirdly when I offhandedly remark that my brother hung himself. Well I'm sorry if you don't see that as appropriate lunchtime chat. My mistake. Needless to say, this is a truth bomb that must be dropped delicately. Usually I go with,
Friend: "Oh, do you have any siblings?"
Kaitlyn, "I had a younger brother."
In my brain, my friends catch the constant use of past tense. They usually don't. So Might I suggest, "I had a younger brother, but he passed away a few years ago." Or "...Well not any live ones..." Then just leave um hanging. (ohhhhhhh puns). To be honest, I don't really know what to do with this one. You could always blog about it :)
Activism.
This made me feel better. Get involved. When you're ready.
YOU WILL NEVER KNOW MY PAAAAAIIIIIINNNNN.
After you've survived the super pain of losing a sibling, it's real hard to take anyone else's problems seriously. You'll be all like, "oh, your girlfriend broke up with you, NO FUCKS GIVEN." It's alright. Eventually you'll be able to sympathize with problems smaller than losing your whole family in a horrific plane crash. Or if this bitterness lingers for a while, don't beat yourself up. But realize, little things hurt too. And other people deserve love and attention. You may not be able to give them that attention, but everyone is entitled to their feelings. You don't want to hear this right now, I know. Just bear with me and keep it in mind.
It Gets Easier.
Keep it up. You can do this. There are people who've survived this. You have people who understand. Find them.
*I wrote this entry sometime last year I think. I'm a little further from it now, but I remember these feelings being really really real at the time. I've gotten past most of this. For example, I will not scream at you if you talk about your boy problems to me. I'll probably jump in about my girl problems, so no worries there. But anyway, should your sibling die I hope this provides some sort of guidance. Also, I really want to help people who have lost people. Feel free to contact me if you think it would help you or someone you know.
Also, I feel the need to take care of you emotionally after dumping on you. I'm going to lighten the mood with a quick funny story. So the other day my roommate made a comment that I thought was directed towards this person we were both crushing on so I suggested that she "take off her clothes and run to Canada." Turns out she was talking about one of our mutual friends... and an awkward time was had by all.
Kaitlyn
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
So do you have any Siblings?
My heart hiccuped, I opened my mouth as if to answer, I nearly launched full throttle into a blog entry right then and there
But then I thought I should probs fill everyone in and give my typical intro. Because I like it.
Intro: Quote of the Day: "If a kid poops in his locker, I'm your girl!" Said by yours truly during a summer job interview. This may be why I am temporarily unemployed.
In honor of nothing particularly sacred, I feel it is time to share some pretty personal information with you blogsphere. Give yourself a pat on the back for leveling up.
Prologue: Subtitle - The cliff-notes of events of October 17th 2010. I had a younger brother, Nick. We were really close (but that's a post for another day) and he struggled with a lot of emotional problems (again, another day). On October 17th, 2010 he choked himself to death in our basement.
For more information about choking, here's this. http://www.gaspinfo.com/en/home.html. For the record, I am not in love with this website, but it's informational. And I'm completely comfortable talking about my brother/mental/emotional health issues. So hit me up. I didn't bring it up much freshman or sophomore year because I didn't want to be "that girl with the dead brother" so don't feel bad if this is the first time you're hearing about any of this. More on this in the future.
Back to my Narrative:
I was getting a haircut the other day (I have so little hair now, it's glorious) and I was chatting away with the stylist. School, work, dating, the typical stuff. Then she told me a story about her sister and asked me if I had any siblings. I am completely comfortable talking about Nick, and his death, but still the subject has been tripping me up for the past three years.
Generally if a classmate or someone I'll be seeing frequently asks, I'll tell them that I had a younger brother but he died a few years ago. Though I've gotten a range of reactions, most people just say "ok" or "sorry" and leave it at that. Which is fine. Other people ask what happened. Also fine, but either way I feel like people are uncomfortable with the subject.
However, with people that I'm only with for a short time, I can't figure out how to navigate the subject. I am not an only child. I still consider myself a sister even though my counterpart currently resides 2 states over and 6 feet under. Being a sister was such a huge part of my identity and I'm not willing to let that go on a technicality. I mean, I tell stories about him all the time.
There's a line though. Stories are fine if you're acknowledging that they were in the past. Even then, sometime's I'll tell a story about Nick and then someone will ask how old he is... Do I say the age he was at the time of the story? Or 16? Or that he would be 19? Or dead? Is dead even an age? Plus who wants to think about dead brothers when you're in the middle of a chat about spraying pepper spray in your eye to test it (true story)? I mean, if I'm bringing up my brother, I'm already aware of the dead part, but I don't want to bring down the whole room.
When the stylist asked me if I had any siblings, I said "Yes, I have a brother. He's 16." Then I proceeded to talk about him as if he were still alive and it was 2 years ago. I have never tried this response before and I have mixed reviews. It was simple enough because I avoided the sometimes uncomfortable conversation of his death and I didn't have to deny ever having a sibling. Seems like a win win.
Only not really though. He only made it a few months into his sophomore year. So to talk about what he would be up to now (even as a sophomore) I had to make up his reaction to finals, summer break, summer jobs, friends, music, everything. It felt fake. I don't like it.
So then what? I don't like saying that I'm an only child. Cause I'm not. And I don't want to bring up that I have a dead sibling to someone I'm never going to see again. Because, comfortable as I am talking about him, not everyone is. Plus I don't want to bring up any losses they've experienced if they don't want to focus on them. And will only work for so long. I mean, I can only have a 16 year old brother for a decade more at most. At some point math gets involved and it doesn't make sense.
I have yet to come to a conclusion. So instead I shared my innermost private thoughts with the internet. You're welcome.
Well that pretty much wraps it up. I'm sorry this (hopefully) doesn't apply to anything that's happening in your life. I wish I could find a way to make this more applicable than a personal reflection that I've just spilled to the internet. Uhmmm I guess this would be akin to getting asked about a relationship after you've broken up? Similar feelings? But way different and less permanent? Meh, do with that what you will.
I don't really know what to say about this one. I'm not sorry for writing it but I can't do my usual "hope you enjoyed" or "hope this made you laugh." Isn't exactly fitting ... I guess "Hope this didn't put too much of a damper on your Monday but thanks for reading?"
Whatever.
Silver lining: Now that this is out in the open, I have free range to blog about my crazy sibling adventures. Which were pretty excellent. Expect that soon. Also I have an opening to publishing my handbook of "How to survive what might have been the suicide of your sibling without jumping off a bridge yourself, the Kaitlyn Dessoffy story" to the blog world.
I shit you not, I've been drafting it.
There is literally nothing left to say about this but I feel compelled to keep writing.
Probably because I told myself that I'd go running when this post was finished. Yeah, I bet that's it.
Anyway.
GO RUN.
yeah. that's what's happening.
Have a good day internet world! Enjoy your new found freedom college students! High schoolers, the end is in sight! People with normal jobs (really putting off this running now) keep on truckin! People without jobs I feel your pain! Me too!
This is like finding the death of a moment in movement class when it's just not gonna happen. If you've made it this far you're a champ.
Just go for a run girl. You got this. Ok.
Peace out home skillets,
Kaitlyn
But then I thought I should probs fill everyone in and give my typical intro. Because I like it.
Intro: Quote of the Day: "If a kid poops in his locker, I'm your girl!" Said by yours truly during a summer job interview. This may be why I am temporarily unemployed.
In honor of nothing particularly sacred, I feel it is time to share some pretty personal information with you blogsphere. Give yourself a pat on the back for leveling up.
Prologue: Subtitle - The cliff-notes of events of October 17th 2010. I had a younger brother, Nick. We were really close (but that's a post for another day) and he struggled with a lot of emotional problems (again, another day). On October 17th, 2010 he choked himself to death in our basement.
For more information about choking, here's this. http://www.gaspinfo.com/en/home.html. For the record, I am not in love with this website, but it's informational. And I'm completely comfortable talking about my brother/mental/emotional health issues. So hit me up. I didn't bring it up much freshman or sophomore year because I didn't want to be "that girl with the dead brother" so don't feel bad if this is the first time you're hearing about any of this. More on this in the future.
Back to my Narrative:
I was getting a haircut the other day (I have so little hair now, it's glorious) and I was chatting away with the stylist. School, work, dating, the typical stuff. Then she told me a story about her sister and asked me if I had any siblings. I am completely comfortable talking about Nick, and his death, but still the subject has been tripping me up for the past three years.
Generally if a classmate or someone I'll be seeing frequently asks, I'll tell them that I had a younger brother but he died a few years ago. Though I've gotten a range of reactions, most people just say "ok" or "sorry" and leave it at that. Which is fine. Other people ask what happened. Also fine, but either way I feel like people are uncomfortable with the subject.
However, with people that I'm only with for a short time, I can't figure out how to navigate the subject. I am not an only child. I still consider myself a sister even though my counterpart currently resides 2 states over and 6 feet under. Being a sister was such a huge part of my identity and I'm not willing to let that go on a technicality. I mean, I tell stories about him all the time.
There's a line though. Stories are fine if you're acknowledging that they were in the past. Even then, sometime's I'll tell a story about Nick and then someone will ask how old he is... Do I say the age he was at the time of the story? Or 16? Or that he would be 19? Or dead? Is dead even an age? Plus who wants to think about dead brothers when you're in the middle of a chat about spraying pepper spray in your eye to test it (true story)? I mean, if I'm bringing up my brother, I'm already aware of the dead part, but I don't want to bring down the whole room.
When the stylist asked me if I had any siblings, I said "Yes, I have a brother. He's 16." Then I proceeded to talk about him as if he were still alive and it was 2 years ago. I have never tried this response before and I have mixed reviews. It was simple enough because I avoided the sometimes uncomfortable conversation of his death and I didn't have to deny ever having a sibling. Seems like a win win.
Only not really though. He only made it a few months into his sophomore year. So to talk about what he would be up to now (even as a sophomore) I had to make up his reaction to finals, summer break, summer jobs, friends, music, everything. It felt fake. I don't like it.
So then what? I don't like saying that I'm an only child. Cause I'm not. And I don't want to bring up that I have a dead sibling to someone I'm never going to see again. Because, comfortable as I am talking about him, not everyone is. Plus I don't want to bring up any losses they've experienced if they don't want to focus on them. And will only work for so long. I mean, I can only have a 16 year old brother for a decade more at most. At some point math gets involved and it doesn't make sense.
I have yet to come to a conclusion. So instead I shared my innermost private thoughts with the internet. You're welcome.
Well that pretty much wraps it up. I'm sorry this (hopefully) doesn't apply to anything that's happening in your life. I wish I could find a way to make this more applicable than a personal reflection that I've just spilled to the internet. Uhmmm I guess this would be akin to getting asked about a relationship after you've broken up? Similar feelings? But way different and less permanent? Meh, do with that what you will.
I don't really know what to say about this one. I'm not sorry for writing it but I can't do my usual "hope you enjoyed" or "hope this made you laugh." Isn't exactly fitting ... I guess "Hope this didn't put too much of a damper on your Monday but thanks for reading?"
Whatever.
Silver lining: Now that this is out in the open, I have free range to blog about my crazy sibling adventures. Which were pretty excellent. Expect that soon. Also I have an opening to publishing my handbook of "How to survive what might have been the suicide of your sibling without jumping off a bridge yourself, the Kaitlyn Dessoffy story" to the blog world.
I shit you not, I've been drafting it.
There is literally nothing left to say about this but I feel compelled to keep writing.
Probably because I told myself that I'd go running when this post was finished. Yeah, I bet that's it.
Anyway.
GO RUN.
yeah. that's what's happening.
Have a good day internet world! Enjoy your new found freedom college students! High schoolers, the end is in sight! People with normal jobs (really putting off this running now) keep on truckin! People without jobs I feel your pain! Me too!
This is like finding the death of a moment in movement class when it's just not gonna happen. If you've made it this far you're a champ.
Just go for a run girl. You got this. Ok.
Peace out home skillets,
Kaitlyn
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Thoughts for a Thursday night.
Hey there internet.
My laundry's drying and I've got time to kill. The dryers in our basement take at least an hour and a half to dry clothes. On the upside, they take my weeks worth of laundry in one go. Convenience.
Problem is, I can't come up with a unified topic to write on tonight so this might just be a splattering of thoughts.
We've been discussing racism and prejudice in literally all but 1 of my classes this week (that one class is jazz incase you were wondering). I think our generation's challenge is to meld this post-structuralist "beyond race" ideology, with the realities of society. Also, I don't know that I personally am ready to give up race as it pertains to culture. That said, I was raised in a predominantly causation middle class suburb with my cultural ties limited to a few Polish songs, Hungarian recipes, and stories from my grandparents about the ethnic communities they grew up in. Any connection I had to my ethnicity has been absorbed into the meld of American suburbanism. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate (and envy) other people's connection to their culture. I feel like if we actually made the societal shift to a post-racial society, we would all meld into these people without culture or a sense of history. And I am far too nostalgic to handle that. But on that same token, race gives people such a visible trait to discriminate against. And that is unacceptable. But is it worth giving up your culture to eliminate prejudice? Is that even possible?
My solution: Everybody just be nice to one another.
I know we say that's an easy one, but people are mean sometimes. Usually in groups. And always for some very legitimate reason or other. But I think we need to learn to look out for our buddies a little. This doesn't mean eliminating all negative happenings from the world, but we can do better. And you know it.
Not sorry for preaching. Let that old sense of Catholic guilt permeate your thoughts. Haunt your dreams. Turn those dreams into nightmares and resolve in your awkwardly confessing them to a man of the clergy. Job well done.
On a lighter note, the temperature was in the mid 50s today in Chicago! Fucking finally! It doesn't quite feel like spring yet, but things have definitely started to thaw. And the classrooms still blast the heat, so they're hot as balls.
As a lady, I don't actually know how hot balls are. Men, you can fill me in here. I'll amend later if the consensus is that it is inaccurate.
Alternate suggestions:
Hotter than a cat on a hot tin roof.
Hotter than the love child of Tegan Quinn and Adam Levine. Just imagine the bone structure. Ugh.
Hotter than freshly brewed coffee that you want to spit out but choke down only to have it scald your tongue and impaire your taste buds for the next 24 hours.
Hotter than pergatory. Didn't see that one coming didja?
These are getting lame fast. And my laundry might be done. One can dream. SO I'm going to leave you with that.
Hasta Luego (shit, this reminded me that I need to take my Espanol placement test... or my preguntas determinar que clase de Espanol I will take. I don't think any of that was real Spanish. Feelin confident.)
Kaitlyn
My laundry's drying and I've got time to kill. The dryers in our basement take at least an hour and a half to dry clothes. On the upside, they take my weeks worth of laundry in one go. Convenience.
Problem is, I can't come up with a unified topic to write on tonight so this might just be a splattering of thoughts.
We've been discussing racism and prejudice in literally all but 1 of my classes this week (that one class is jazz incase you were wondering). I think our generation's challenge is to meld this post-structuralist "beyond race" ideology, with the realities of society. Also, I don't know that I personally am ready to give up race as it pertains to culture. That said, I was raised in a predominantly causation middle class suburb with my cultural ties limited to a few Polish songs, Hungarian recipes, and stories from my grandparents about the ethnic communities they grew up in. Any connection I had to my ethnicity has been absorbed into the meld of American suburbanism. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate (and envy) other people's connection to their culture. I feel like if we actually made the societal shift to a post-racial society, we would all meld into these people without culture or a sense of history. And I am far too nostalgic to handle that. But on that same token, race gives people such a visible trait to discriminate against. And that is unacceptable. But is it worth giving up your culture to eliminate prejudice? Is that even possible?
My solution: Everybody just be nice to one another.
I know we say that's an easy one, but people are mean sometimes. Usually in groups. And always for some very legitimate reason or other. But I think we need to learn to look out for our buddies a little. This doesn't mean eliminating all negative happenings from the world, but we can do better. And you know it.
Not sorry for preaching. Let that old sense of Catholic guilt permeate your thoughts. Haunt your dreams. Turn those dreams into nightmares and resolve in your awkwardly confessing them to a man of the clergy. Job well done.
On a lighter note, the temperature was in the mid 50s today in Chicago! Fucking finally! It doesn't quite feel like spring yet, but things have definitely started to thaw. And the classrooms still blast the heat, so they're hot as balls.
As a lady, I don't actually know how hot balls are. Men, you can fill me in here. I'll amend later if the consensus is that it is inaccurate.
Alternate suggestions:
Hotter than a cat on a hot tin roof.
Hotter than the love child of Tegan Quinn and Adam Levine. Just imagine the bone structure. Ugh.
Hotter than freshly brewed coffee that you want to spit out but choke down only to have it scald your tongue and impaire your taste buds for the next 24 hours.
Hotter than pergatory. Didn't see that one coming didja?
These are getting lame fast. And my laundry might be done. One can dream. SO I'm going to leave you with that.
Hasta Luego (shit, this reminded me that I need to take my Espanol placement test... or my preguntas determinar que clase de Espanol I will take. I don't think any of that was real Spanish. Feelin confident.)
Kaitlyn
Monday, March 11, 2013
AvocadNO
Aye,
Les be brief cause I gots a play to read.
In my never ending search for healthy eating habits, I stumbled upon the not so humble avocado. I have heard the buzz about this wonder food for the past few months. Good fat. Protein. Yummyness.
FALSE.
An entire avocado by the spoonful was like eating green lard. And I felt like green lard for hours afterward. I swore to myself I would never do it again. BUT, I'm gonna give it a chance. So without further adieu:
Stipulations under which I would eat an Avocado, whole. Again.
1. If tomorrow I wake up with Avocado induced super human energy.
2. If someone is holding a gun to my head.
3. If anyone on my "I'd tap that" list found avocado's sexy. Keep in mind, this list is comprised entirely of celebrities. Some of them are dead. Here's lookin at you Martha Graham.
4. If eating avocado's gave you the ability to fly.
5. If it was combined with onion, chopped tomato, garlic and a splash of lime juice. HOLD UP. That's guacamole. Dip of the Gods.
6. If there was a full ride scholarship guaranteed to anyone who finished a whole avocado.
7. If eating an Avocado meant not having to read "American Dream"
But alas. I need to actually read that play.
The end.
g'night. Sleep well.
Kaitlyn.
Les be brief cause I gots a play to read.
In my never ending search for healthy eating habits, I stumbled upon the not so humble avocado. I have heard the buzz about this wonder food for the past few months. Good fat. Protein. Yummyness.
FALSE.
An entire avocado by the spoonful was like eating green lard. And I felt like green lard for hours afterward. I swore to myself I would never do it again. BUT, I'm gonna give it a chance. So without further adieu:
Stipulations under which I would eat an Avocado, whole. Again.
1. If tomorrow I wake up with Avocado induced super human energy.
2. If someone is holding a gun to my head.
3. If anyone on my "I'd tap that" list found avocado's sexy. Keep in mind, this list is comprised entirely of celebrities. Some of them are dead. Here's lookin at you Martha Graham.
4. If eating avocado's gave you the ability to fly.
5. If it was combined with onion, chopped tomato, garlic and a splash of lime juice. HOLD UP. That's guacamole. Dip of the Gods.
6. If there was a full ride scholarship guaranteed to anyone who finished a whole avocado.
7. If eating an Avocado meant not having to read "American Dream"
But alas. I need to actually read that play.
The end.
g'night. Sleep well.
Kaitlyn.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Diet Blooper Reel.
Hi Compadres.
It's been 2 months. Oops.
After mulling over some conversations I've had with friends recently, I found that we don't talk about "things ya just don't talk about" often enough. Cause a lot of people are in the same boat on touchy subjects. So I think I'm just gonna share my metaphorical boat with the interwebs. And here it is.
Today's topic of discussion: Food.
I've been around the dieting block quite a few times. I would consider myself pretty well versed in "how to not lose weight while intentionally changing your consumption patterns." So I've decided to provide, if nothing else, a brief, comical summary titled:
"WHY GOD WHY?! A brief, chronological, lighthearted look at Kaitlyn Dessoffy's diet plan(s)"
Plan 1: The Dance Diet
Summary: Dance 7 hours a week. Eat whatever you want.
Pros: Mon-Friday, lose 6 pounds.
Cons: Saturday-Sunday, find them. Self hatred ensues.
Plan 2: The "After Six" Diet
Summary: Rather than stopping eating at six pm, start eating around 6 pm. Usually resulting from a lack of planning, packing, and lunch hour. Struggle buss it through the day on a Nutrigrain bar and a handful of chex mix.
Pros: You save so much time not eating. Now you have time to sleep, funny how you're so exhausted all the time.
Cons: It doesn't work. Also you have zero energy. Don't do this.
Plan 3: The Soy Milk Diet
Summary: Circa 9th grade I discovered I was allergic to Soy Milk. Having a hard time stopping yourself from eating? You can't eat when you're working on keeping lunch down.
Pros: None. 'cept that this one was super short lived.
Cons: On top of the swollen throat and digestive tract fire storm, you're pretty disappointed in yourself. Also, this is a pretty ineffective way to get energy from food. Or lose any weight from a lack thereof.
Plan 4: Weight Watchers!
Summary: Sound familiar?! The WW diet gives you 29 "points" per day, with 42 extra points to use throughout the week. Fruits and Veggies are free. As are diet, non-calorie foods. Points are calculated using Carbs, Protein, Fiber, and Fat content values. Ex: Bread: 3 points. Chicken: 5 points. Cheese: 6 points. Yogurt: 7 points.
Pros: It works! And you're not starving yourself! And you have to eat fruits and vegetables!
Cons: Point Values are so fucking annoying to calculate. You thought calorie counting was hard? This is not even a value on the box. And it makes you look at food in a quantitative form. You can eat this diet on apples, lettuce, chocolate, and crackers. Eventually you find the right way to combine your allotted 29 points so you are still dieting, but you are also gaining weight. Also, your body adjusts to this within a few months. So you have to gradually eat less and less points to maintain your body weight. At 25 points a day, No bonus for working out, and no points plus, you start to panic a little. How much less can you eat?! This is your cue to take yourself off the diet.
Plan 5: The CATS diet
Summary: See "Dancer diet" but add to that the looming threat of dancing 4 shows a week in a spandex leotard.
Pros: I was in the best shape of my life
Cons: The run only lasted 3 weeks. The diet lasted 3 months. No good. No good.
Plan 6: The Love Your Body Diet.
Summary: Accept the 6 pounds you gained last summer. You're not overweight.
Pros: You're in great shape mentally! And physically too come to think of it.
Cons: Who are we kidding here? That acceptance lasted 2 days. Literally 2 days. Then it took a journey that went a little something like, annoyance --> critical mirror looking --> scales and tape --> panic --> TREADMILL! And sadness.
Plan 7: The back to basics
Summary: An honest attempt to eat well. Stipulations: 1. Mostly Vegetables 2. Get all the food groups in there 3. Eat only when you're hungry 4. Don't weigh yourself more than once a week 5. Don't freak out about how you look.
Pros: Days 1-3 you do a bang up job.
Cons: Day 4: You weigh yourself. No progress. --> Anger and self loathing. Convince yourself that you are too uptight for this silly "mindful eating" thing. Scour the internet for crash diets. Yeah, cause if you didn't have the will power to make THIS one work, eating only soup for a week is definitely a better option.
Plan 8: Calorie Counting
Summary: myfitnespal.com. 1270 per day. Ya get some extra if you work out.
This is pretty much what I'm up to now in terms of food. So far so good. It's definitely a little obsessive, but I'm pretty type A, so this is run of the mill. Counting calories is definitely a restrictive measure, but I find that any stress caused from counting calories is not nearly as bad as stress I feel when I'm not comfortable in my body. It's a work in progress.
Welp, that just about covers it. I hope you enjoyed my metaphorical boat. I'm thinking a lot of people have shared this metaphorical boat. So how about we make food discussions a little more open, yeah? Don't be embarrassed. I just regurgitated (sorry, couldn't pass it up) my questionable dieting methods from the past 7 years to a public forum. Ya can't do much worse than that.
Meh, that's all I got.
Kait
It's been 2 months. Oops.
After mulling over some conversations I've had with friends recently, I found that we don't talk about "things ya just don't talk about" often enough. Cause a lot of people are in the same boat on touchy subjects. So I think I'm just gonna share my metaphorical boat with the interwebs. And here it is.
Today's topic of discussion: Food.
I've been around the dieting block quite a few times. I would consider myself pretty well versed in "how to not lose weight while intentionally changing your consumption patterns." So I've decided to provide, if nothing else, a brief, comical summary titled:
"WHY GOD WHY?! A brief, chronological, lighthearted look at Kaitlyn Dessoffy's diet plan(s)"
Plan 1: The Dance Diet
Summary: Dance 7 hours a week. Eat whatever you want.
Pros: Mon-Friday, lose 6 pounds.
Cons: Saturday-Sunday, find them. Self hatred ensues.
Plan 2: The "After Six" Diet
Summary: Rather than stopping eating at six pm, start eating around 6 pm. Usually resulting from a lack of planning, packing, and lunch hour. Struggle buss it through the day on a Nutrigrain bar and a handful of chex mix.
Pros: You save so much time not eating. Now you have time to sleep, funny how you're so exhausted all the time.
Cons: It doesn't work. Also you have zero energy. Don't do this.
Plan 3: The Soy Milk Diet
Summary: Circa 9th grade I discovered I was allergic to Soy Milk. Having a hard time stopping yourself from eating? You can't eat when you're working on keeping lunch down.
Pros: None. 'cept that this one was super short lived.
Cons: On top of the swollen throat and digestive tract fire storm, you're pretty disappointed in yourself. Also, this is a pretty ineffective way to get energy from food. Or lose any weight from a lack thereof.
Plan 4: Weight Watchers!
Summary: Sound familiar?! The WW diet gives you 29 "points" per day, with 42 extra points to use throughout the week. Fruits and Veggies are free. As are diet, non-calorie foods. Points are calculated using Carbs, Protein, Fiber, and Fat content values. Ex: Bread: 3 points. Chicken: 5 points. Cheese: 6 points. Yogurt: 7 points.
Pros: It works! And you're not starving yourself! And you have to eat fruits and vegetables!
Cons: Point Values are so fucking annoying to calculate. You thought calorie counting was hard? This is not even a value on the box. And it makes you look at food in a quantitative form. You can eat this diet on apples, lettuce, chocolate, and crackers. Eventually you find the right way to combine your allotted 29 points so you are still dieting, but you are also gaining weight. Also, your body adjusts to this within a few months. So you have to gradually eat less and less points to maintain your body weight. At 25 points a day, No bonus for working out, and no points plus, you start to panic a little. How much less can you eat?! This is your cue to take yourself off the diet.
Plan 5: The CATS diet
Summary: See "Dancer diet" but add to that the looming threat of dancing 4 shows a week in a spandex leotard.
Pros: I was in the best shape of my life
Cons: The run only lasted 3 weeks. The diet lasted 3 months. No good. No good.
Plan 6: The Love Your Body Diet.
Summary: Accept the 6 pounds you gained last summer. You're not overweight.
Pros: You're in great shape mentally! And physically too come to think of it.
Cons: Who are we kidding here? That acceptance lasted 2 days. Literally 2 days. Then it took a journey that went a little something like, annoyance --> critical mirror looking --> scales and tape --> panic --> TREADMILL! And sadness.
Plan 7: The back to basics
Summary: An honest attempt to eat well. Stipulations: 1. Mostly Vegetables 2. Get all the food groups in there 3. Eat only when you're hungry 4. Don't weigh yourself more than once a week 5. Don't freak out about how you look.
Pros: Days 1-3 you do a bang up job.
Cons: Day 4: You weigh yourself. No progress. --> Anger and self loathing. Convince yourself that you are too uptight for this silly "mindful eating" thing. Scour the internet for crash diets. Yeah, cause if you didn't have the will power to make THIS one work, eating only soup for a week is definitely a better option.
Plan 8: Calorie Counting
Summary: myfitnespal.com. 1270 per day. Ya get some extra if you work out.
This is pretty much what I'm up to now in terms of food. So far so good. It's definitely a little obsessive, but I'm pretty type A, so this is run of the mill. Counting calories is definitely a restrictive measure, but I find that any stress caused from counting calories is not nearly as bad as stress I feel when I'm not comfortable in my body. It's a work in progress.
Welp, that just about covers it. I hope you enjoyed my metaphorical boat. I'm thinking a lot of people have shared this metaphorical boat. So how about we make food discussions a little more open, yeah? Don't be embarrassed. I just regurgitated (sorry, couldn't pass it up) my questionable dieting methods from the past 7 years to a public forum. Ya can't do much worse than that.
Meh, that's all I got.
Kait
Monday, January 21, 2013
My Theoretical OKCupid. (And my back up plans)
Hi! Let's cut to the chase.
Name: Kaitlyn Elizabeth Philomena Dessoffy (Because when else are you gonna bust out your confirmation name)
Occupation: Serial Killer. "Oh she's so funny and ironic...that's just the kind of thing a serial killer WOULD say... but she's so intriguing and mysterious...definitely a yes."
I would leave everything else blank.
Because (though I do LOVE talking about myself) I don't want to ruin the "getting to know you" part of that first date by actually filling out an online dating profile. And if I don't have something to talk about I will sit in absolute silence. And it will be painful for everyone.
So barring my mysterious and legally questionable OkCupid doesn't work out, I've got back up plans.
Allow me to present: X number of ways to score a date without a computer.
1. Purchase a t-shirt that has "SINGLE" printed across it in bright red letters. Head to a coffee shop. Display. Hope for the best.
2. Write a blog complaining about how your single... Again, hope for the best.
3. Actually talk to people rather than ogling at them from afar. It only sounds creepy when you read it but you know you do it.
that's all i got.
and this blog has just jumped off the cliff of desperation. JOIN MEEEEEEEE.
hah, I'll let you know if I ever actually make that profile. Happy Second week of classes ya'll!
Kait
Name: Kaitlyn Elizabeth Philomena Dessoffy (Because when else are you gonna bust out your confirmation name)
Occupation: Serial Killer. "Oh she's so funny and ironic...that's just the kind of thing a serial killer WOULD say... but she's so intriguing and mysterious...definitely a yes."
I would leave everything else blank.
Because (though I do LOVE talking about myself) I don't want to ruin the "getting to know you" part of that first date by actually filling out an online dating profile. And if I don't have something to talk about I will sit in absolute silence. And it will be painful for everyone.
So barring my mysterious and legally questionable OkCupid doesn't work out, I've got back up plans.
Allow me to present: X number of ways to score a date without a computer.
1. Purchase a t-shirt that has "SINGLE" printed across it in bright red letters. Head to a coffee shop. Display. Hope for the best.
2. Write a blog complaining about how your single... Again, hope for the best.
3. Actually talk to people rather than ogling at them from afar. It only sounds creepy when you read it but you know you do it.
that's all i got.
and this blog has just jumped off the cliff of desperation. JOIN MEEEEEEEE.
hah, I'll let you know if I ever actually make that profile. Happy Second week of classes ya'll!
Kait
Friday, January 4, 2013
Obligatory New Years Resolutions.
Aloha!
Probably the best greeting ever because it's a tricked out combination of "hola" "hollaaaaa" and sort of sounds like "hello" backwards.
Quote of the Day: "You know your life has hit a new level of interesting when you end up at a hookah coffee house in Parma that plays hardcore techno music." -Nicole Tischler. Basically, this is my winter break.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!
I don't feel the need to explain this concept. We survived the apocalypse. Drunk (or was it just me?) We're pretty much ready for 2013.
1. Be able to do at least 1 pull up. My workouts are getting embarrassing guys. This is really holding me back.
2. Actually vomit from drinking. Because I need to make all of my own mistakes. I am literally incapable of letting everyone else do the messing up for me. Too much? Too bad. My blog is called Brain Vomit. You'll live. Also, you should know that I think I am physically incapable (and terrified) of puking while intoxicated. So this is more of a challenge than a sick resolution I've made for myself.
3. Volunteer.
4. Food. Goal: Don't look at food for it's value in "points" or calories or laxative properties. That is all.
5. Speak Up. If I had a penny for every time someone called me "quiet" or "shy" or "scared looking" I could probably pay for college. Let me assure you that I am none of these things. Sometimes I don't say a lot, but there's a difference. As for the scared thing, I think it's just my face. So go with that.
6. Do Work. Ballet. III. Will NOT. Defeat me. This semester.
6.5 Do not beat yourself up because you are not the most slender, graceful, powerful, flexible, stunning dancer in the world. Work with what you've got. Boom.
7. Work as a Barista at some point. Because I tell my family that I'm getting my degree in "Advanced Waitressing" when they crack jokes about theatre. Time to step up.
8. Write a play. I have been writing plays in my head since 6th grade. I have a whole bunch of scenes just floating around up there. I want to get them down now, so I can look back and be all, "oh silly 21 year old Kaitlyn, look how enlightened you've become!" Plus I totally regret not having my angsty teen years in writing. There is some unfortunate photographic evidence, but that's all I'm gonna say about that.
9. Date. What do you get when you cross premature social skills, a tangible air of awkward, and what might be considered an anxiety disorder? The answer is Kaitlyn, pre-date. So now imagine "Kaitlyn, on date." Worse yet, "Kaitlyn, post-date." Bottom line, Human interaction is generally not my thing. And I should probably practice getting better at it. Is it bad that I'm getting nervous just writing this? Woof, I'm gonna go chew on some Tums and mull this over. brb.
10. Follow my gut. So I took this class. That changed my life. Like a Zen awakening, if you will. (I'm gonna be honest, I don't know if "Zen awakening" is a thing, I just thought it sounded cool and relevant.) So far, being a little less type A has been beautiful. So I need to keep it up. Try it. You'll like it.
I'm going to stop at 10 because I like lists that have ten things on them. It's arbitrary and totally counterproductive to resolution 10 [which includes subtext of "stop being so anal retentive"], so that probably means that I'm leaving things off or have some useless resolutions on there, but that's what I'm doin.
uhhhhm the end.
I think my next blog will be the pros and cons of my psycho dog Stella. Get ready for some adorable pictures of my little vermin.
I'm very good at nicknames.
Sleep Well! Enjoy your last few weeks of freedom, collegiate peers.
Aloha!
Kaitlyn
(see what I did there, yet ANOTHER reason "Aloha" is the greatest greeting ever.)
Probably the best greeting ever because it's a tricked out combination of "hola" "hollaaaaa" and sort of sounds like "hello" backwards.
Quote of the Day: "You know your life has hit a new level of interesting when you end up at a hookah coffee house in Parma that plays hardcore techno music." -Nicole Tischler. Basically, this is my winter break.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!
I don't feel the need to explain this concept. We survived the apocalypse. Drunk (or was it just me?) We're pretty much ready for 2013.
1. Be able to do at least 1 pull up. My workouts are getting embarrassing guys. This is really holding me back.
2. Actually vomit from drinking. Because I need to make all of my own mistakes. I am literally incapable of letting everyone else do the messing up for me. Too much? Too bad. My blog is called Brain Vomit. You'll live. Also, you should know that I think I am physically incapable (and terrified) of puking while intoxicated. So this is more of a challenge than a sick resolution I've made for myself.
3. Volunteer.
4. Food. Goal: Don't look at food for it's value in "points" or calories or laxative properties. That is all.
5. Speak Up. If I had a penny for every time someone called me "quiet" or "shy" or "scared looking" I could probably pay for college. Let me assure you that I am none of these things. Sometimes I don't say a lot, but there's a difference. As for the scared thing, I think it's just my face. So go with that.
6. Do Work. Ballet. III. Will NOT. Defeat me. This semester.
6.5 Do not beat yourself up because you are not the most slender, graceful, powerful, flexible, stunning dancer in the world. Work with what you've got. Boom.
7. Work as a Barista at some point. Because I tell my family that I'm getting my degree in "Advanced Waitressing" when they crack jokes about theatre. Time to step up.
8. Write a play. I have been writing plays in my head since 6th grade. I have a whole bunch of scenes just floating around up there. I want to get them down now, so I can look back and be all, "oh silly 21 year old Kaitlyn, look how enlightened you've become!" Plus I totally regret not having my angsty teen years in writing. There is some unfortunate photographic evidence, but that's all I'm gonna say about that.
9. Date. What do you get when you cross premature social skills, a tangible air of awkward, and what might be considered an anxiety disorder? The answer is Kaitlyn, pre-date. So now imagine "Kaitlyn, on date." Worse yet, "Kaitlyn, post-date." Bottom line, Human interaction is generally not my thing. And I should probably practice getting better at it. Is it bad that I'm getting nervous just writing this? Woof, I'm gonna go chew on some Tums and mull this over. brb.
10. Follow my gut. So I took this class. That changed my life. Like a Zen awakening, if you will. (I'm gonna be honest, I don't know if "Zen awakening" is a thing, I just thought it sounded cool and relevant.) So far, being a little less type A has been beautiful. So I need to keep it up. Try it. You'll like it.
I'm going to stop at 10 because I like lists that have ten things on them. It's arbitrary and totally counterproductive to resolution 10 [which includes subtext of "stop being so anal retentive"], so that probably means that I'm leaving things off or have some useless resolutions on there, but that's what I'm doin.
uhhhhm the end.
I think my next blog will be the pros and cons of my psycho dog Stella. Get ready for some adorable pictures of my little vermin.
I'm very good at nicknames.
Sleep Well! Enjoy your last few weeks of freedom, collegiate peers.
Aloha!
Kaitlyn
(see what I did there, yet ANOTHER reason "Aloha" is the greatest greeting ever.)
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