My heart hiccuped, I opened my mouth as if to answer, I nearly launched full throttle into a blog entry right then and there
But then I thought I should probs fill everyone in and give my typical intro. Because I like it.
Intro: Quote of the Day: "If a kid poops in his locker, I'm your girl!" Said by yours truly during a summer job interview. This may be why I am temporarily unemployed.
In honor of nothing particularly sacred, I feel it is time to share some pretty personal information with you blogsphere. Give yourself a pat on the back for leveling up.
Prologue: Subtitle - The cliff-notes of events of October 17th 2010. I had a younger brother, Nick. We were really close (but that's a post for another day) and he struggled with a lot of emotional problems (again, another day). On October 17th, 2010 he choked himself to death in our basement.
For more information about choking, here's this. http://www.gaspinfo.com/en/home.html. For the record, I am not in love with this website, but it's informational. And I'm completely comfortable talking about my brother/mental/emotional health issues. So hit me up. I didn't bring it up much freshman or sophomore year because I didn't want to be "that girl with the dead brother" so don't feel bad if this is the first time you're hearing about any of this. More on this in the future.
Back to my Narrative:
I was getting a haircut the other day (I have so little hair now, it's glorious) and I was chatting away with the stylist. School, work, dating, the typical stuff. Then she told me a story about her sister and asked me if I had any siblings. I am completely comfortable talking about Nick, and his death, but still the subject has been tripping me up for the past three years.
Generally if a classmate or someone I'll be seeing frequently asks, I'll tell them that I had a younger brother but he died a few years ago. Though I've gotten a range of reactions, most people just say "ok" or "sorry" and leave it at that. Which is fine. Other people ask what happened. Also fine, but either way I feel like people are uncomfortable with the subject.
However, with people that I'm only with for a short time, I can't figure out how to navigate the subject. I am not an only child. I still consider myself a sister even though my counterpart currently resides 2 states over and 6 feet under. Being a sister was such a huge part of my identity and I'm not willing to let that go on a technicality. I mean, I tell stories about him all the time.
There's a line though. Stories are fine if you're acknowledging that they were in the past. Even then, sometime's I'll tell a story about Nick and then someone will ask how old he is... Do I say the age he was at the time of the story? Or 16? Or that he would be 19? Or dead? Is dead even an age? Plus who wants to think about dead brothers when you're in the middle of a chat about spraying pepper spray in your eye to test it (true story)? I mean, if I'm bringing up my brother, I'm already aware of the dead part, but I don't want to bring down the whole room.
When the stylist asked me if I had any siblings, I said "Yes, I have a brother. He's 16." Then I proceeded to talk about him as if he were still alive and it was 2 years ago. I have never tried this response before and I have mixed reviews. It was simple enough because I avoided the sometimes uncomfortable conversation of his death and I didn't have to deny ever having a sibling. Seems like a win win.
Only not really though. He only made it a few months into his sophomore year. So to talk about what he would be up to now (even as a sophomore) I had to make up his reaction to finals, summer break, summer jobs, friends, music, everything. It felt fake. I don't like it.
So then what? I don't like saying that I'm an only child. Cause I'm not. And I don't want to bring up that I have a dead sibling to someone I'm never going to see again. Because, comfortable as I am talking about him, not everyone is. Plus I don't want to bring up any losses they've experienced if they don't want to focus on them. And will only work for so long. I mean, I can only have a 16 year old brother for a decade more at most. At some point math gets involved and it doesn't make sense.
I have yet to come to a conclusion. So instead I shared my innermost private thoughts with the internet. You're welcome.
Well that pretty much wraps it up. I'm sorry this (hopefully) doesn't apply to anything that's happening in your life. I wish I could find a way to make this more applicable than a personal reflection that I've just spilled to the internet. Uhmmm I guess this would be akin to getting asked about a relationship after you've broken up? Similar feelings? But way different and less permanent? Meh, do with that what you will.
I don't really know what to say about this one. I'm not sorry for writing it but I can't do my usual "hope you enjoyed" or "hope this made you laugh." Isn't exactly fitting ... I guess "Hope this didn't put too much of a damper on your Monday but thanks for reading?"
Whatever.
Silver lining: Now that this is out in the open, I have free range to blog about my crazy sibling adventures. Which were pretty excellent. Expect that soon. Also I have an opening to publishing my handbook of "How to survive what might have been the suicide of your sibling without jumping off a bridge yourself, the Kaitlyn Dessoffy story" to the blog world.
I shit you not, I've been drafting it.
There is literally nothing left to say about this but I feel compelled to keep writing.
Probably because I told myself that I'd go running when this post was finished. Yeah, I bet that's it.
Anyway.
GO RUN.
yeah. that's what's happening.
Have a good day internet world! Enjoy your new found freedom college students! High schoolers, the end is in sight! People with normal jobs (really putting off this running now) keep on truckin! People without jobs I feel your pain! Me too!
This is like finding the death of a moment in movement class when it's just not gonna happen. If you've made it this far you're a champ.
Just go for a run girl. You got this. Ok.
Peace out home skillets,
Kaitlyn
I love you.
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