How to Abort Your Diet.

*Disclaimer: I'm not a nutritionist. I have a body and a historically messy view of food. This is by no means the only way to be healthy. But hopefully it's the wittiest. 

A Step by Step Guide to hopping off the diet treadmill without it throwing you into a wall, thus humiliating you in front of all those ambitious 6am gym people.

Step 1: Admitting you have a problem. In the past 2 weeks have you:

• Weighed yourself more than 28 times
• Googled the caloric content of communion wafers, human sexual fluids, or chapstick
• Considered Diet Coke to be the healthiest beverage choice
• Ate only carrots during the day because you were going drinking with your friends that night
• Punched someone because they tried to share your carefully portioned mid-day nut meal 
• Woke up, ate breakfast, realized you have to run a marathon to break even in terms of calories
• Become paranoid that there was a labeling error and you are actually purchasing 2% milk
• Defeated your natural hunger response and live in a constant state of "is this an ulcer, or should I be eating?" 
• Defeated your Deity-given metabolism and managed to gain weight despite eating under 1000 calories per day
• Defeated your gag reflex and, well, ya know. 

If you answered "yes" to enough of the above questions to make you feel a little crazy, a lot hungry, and mostly terrified that your body will just spiral out of control if you don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of the nutritional value of your foods, take a few deep breaths, and continue to step 2. 

Step 2: Look yourself in the eye (using a mirror probably) and say, "It will be worth it in the long term to stop dieting now. Bodies are malleable and if you gain or lose weight, it can be changed in a healthy manner" 

This might take convincing. Here are some fun activities you can look forward to after you quit dieting: 

• Going out to eat and ordering something other than the lowest calorie item 
• Going out to eat. Period. 
• Eating when your hungry 
• Thinking about more effective ways to built a lean-to rather than what your next meal will be
• In an unexpected turn of events, feel like you have control over your body, not your diet
• Not having the metabolic rate of a 200 year old sloth 

Step 3: Get rid of all that shit they gave you at the start up meeting

Don't fool yourself. Never again will you need that specialized calculator that converts carbs, protein, fiber, and fats into point values. Just chuck it now. Besides, you know you've got all that memorized anyway. Hide your scale, measuring tape, whatever crazy fat calibrators you have. Put them somewhere incredibly difficult to reach. Like duct taped to the inside of your chimney or under your territorial cat's favorite pillow. 

Step 4: Put your skinny jeans in the way back of your closet

Dieting freaks out your metabolism. When you stop, your metabolism will re-calibrate and you might gain or lose some weight. Get ready, it's gonna be okay. This is 500 times harder when you're shaming yourself because your clothes are fitting differently. Accept these changes (as all weight fluctuations are) as temporary. 

Step 4 and 1/2 (the most important step, despite not getting its own number): Accept that the size you want to be and the size you are most healthy at, might not be the same. If you've been dieting hard, you might have pushed your body below where it should go. If you stop dieting and eat healthy, your body will probably go back to it's baseline. That might be a few pounds more or less than you would prefer. You have to accept that you won't look the same as you did at the peak of your diet. 

I repeat: You have to accept that you won't look the same as you did at the peak of your diet. 

One more time: You have to accept that you won't look the same as you did at the peak of your diet. 

Time hop is a thing? Uninstall that shit: You have to accept that you won't look the same as you did at the peak of your diet. 

Got it? Good. Moving on.

Step 5: Figure out how you want to eat now

Personal anecdote time (she says nearing the end of an obviously personal blog): I couldn't sustain 20 hours of dance a week, 16 miles of biking a day, and full time food service on my feet under 1200 calories. But I also couldn't do it eating exclusively carbs and fats. It helped me to keep it simple initially. Eat when you're hungry, stop when your full. Resurrect that food pyramid and try to eat from all the major food groups every day. Some structure is okay. It's hard to go from tracking everything to tracking nothing, so don't worry if you flounder a bit. 

This takes time. Sometimes you eat a whole bunch and get really sick. Sometimes you don't eat enough and get really sick. Sometimes your digestive tract takes a while to adjust to eating normally and you feel like garbage for a few weeks. Sometimes you get stressed out an calculate everything you've eaten over the past week in a matter of minutes. Don't let this getcha down. It's okay to not be perfect. 

The End. Good luck. God Speed. Happy Wednesday. 

A Long Overdue Blog About Eating

Remember that time I had that blog that I kept up with?

I feel like I've been putting off this blog just so I don't jinx it. But we are in the midst of a unit in my Women in Lit class and developmental psych class about eating disorders so I was feeling inspired to write this now. I set this goal for myself around Easter last year to take some time to undo some weird habits I have with food. For a full rundown of neurotic tendencies click the link labeled "health" on the sidebar and it'll take you to my previous (and apparently only) food blog. Summary: I felt like my mindset was on a treadmill and I was getting sick of the organization, but I didn't know how far I would fly if I just stopped running. How'd ya like that metaphor?

Here's the quick and dirty version of the goal list:

1. Stop weighing yourself every day.
2. Be accepting of how your body looks, and make any changes to it in a non-drastic, calm manner.
3. Stop counting calories
           A) Also, weight watchers points, rough guesses, categories of foods, and strict time rules are out as well. Same thing. Just don't.
4. Eat when you're hungry, don't eat when you're not hungry.

I'm sure this applies to more than just me because I've had a lot of discussions with my friends and family about exercise and nutrition. If you've been in the same boat I hope you get something out of this. If not feel free to scoff at my moderately self-congratulatory blog. I won't take offence.

Not weighing myself was easier than I thought it would be. For the first week or so I was a little freaked out because I had no way of monitoring any changes in weight (really? wow! is that how that works?). I measured my waist size every couple days just so I felt like I had something, but after a few months of that, I stopped after I had this realization about how body composition.

I'm basically a child and if I don't get to run around every couple days, I literally lose my shit (there's more swearing in this blog, just a heads up). So in the summer I run, and since I am in a loving relationship with my bike, I ride it everywhere. I lose muscle mass and slim out. During the school year my butt is confined to a desk most of the day, but I do get to take ballet class for nearly 5 hours a week. Apparently I have the muscle composition of a male gymnast (not upset about it) and bulk up immediately once I switch from cardio to strength training. This used to really wig me out because not only did I gain weight, but my ass got bigger and my clothes fit differently. I'm a small person. I'm not complaining. But anyone who gets neurotic about food knows that this matters.

Without having a concrete number, I changed my focus from how my body looked to what my body could do. And let me tell you, it made the whole pink tights black leotard ordeal easier to swallow. I can honestly say that I don't give a shit if I have a nice cushion of fluff over my abs. Because my abs can haul my legs all over the place, and since I eat before class I have SO MUCH ENERGY. It's literally the greatest I have ever felt.

Another thing, I actually started feeling "full" and "hungry" again. I don't know if this is anyone else's experience, but when I start dieting, I so carefully plan when and what I can eat that I don't really get hungry. Mostly I made myself eat at a certain point because I knew that I wasn't going to eat for the rest of the day or the next few hours or whatever. Eventually my body gave up on trying to cue me and just went along for the ride. This works well enough, but it's so much more satisfying to just eat what you want when you want to. I mean, sometimes I have to tell myself that eating half a bag (and I'm taking the giant ones) of M&Ms at midnight is not a good idea, but that's only because I know I'll feel like death after. Not because it's like 2000 calories.

This ^ pretty much negated the need to count calories. First grade taught me what healthy foods are. And I realized that when I eat a variety of foods (as opposed to all fruit all day and then pizza and chocolate at night...oh Weight Watchers...you know what I'm saying.) I feel so much better. I'm not bogged down by the digestive hell storm that is your lower intestines after a day of eating solely coffee and apples.

Secondary realization, I actually like working out. I've always loved dance, and didn't always explicitly look at it as a means to burn calories, but occasionally that's all it was. Again, by taking the focus off my perception of my thighs in a high cut leotard, I enjoyed the expression in the movement much more. Similar thing happened to running. Running releases endorphins. It's about as close to joyous childhood frolicking as I get in my day to day. It's so much easier to motivate a run when it's not just about the number of calories you're gonna burn.

Thirdly: Again, I don't want to speak for everyone, but when I'm trying to lose weight I compare myself to literally everyone. About half the time I'm confident that I'm the fattest person in the room always and forever, and the other half of the time, I'm scrutinizing the Victoria's Secret models for rolls. And like, what is that?! I mean, I'm typing it and it's ridiculous. I was so ashamed of this because it plays directly into our culture's unattainable standards of beauty. I knew rationally that bodies aren't supposed to look like the photos in magazines, but I couldn't apply it to actual humans. Fortunately, after I let myself off the hook, my external gaze shifted too. I am apprehensive to include this paragraph because I don't want my friends thinking that I was or still am or ever will look judgmentally on their figures. Because personally, I can never tell when people change weight. Like, you have to gain or lose an entire person before I'll notice.  But the above perception is real. It came up in all of the books I've been reading about body image in my women in lit class, so I'm taking that as my cue that I am not alone in this. When unhealthily rail thin is your ideal, it's easy to see how few actual bodies achieve it. And that is not a healthy way to look at yourself or other people. For obvious reasons. Yeah. Please let me know if you need clarification here. Because it's a controversial and uncomfortable point and I want to be sure I explained it clearly.

MMmmm we've already taken a turn from the light and fluffy, so might as well throw in the mis-steps here. About midway through first semester I was really stressed out and fell riiiight back into eating tons of food and then immediately trying to panic run it off, but that feels like death on wheels: End result - Very upset. Luckily I have a teacher who is very transparent about this stuff and she was incredibly helpful. Talking to her was the most honest I had ever been, and hearing that this is a legitimate issue that lots of people deal with made me feel oddly more comfortable with the whole thing. There were a couple rough weeks, but I eventually calmed down and refocused.

I'm not claiming this to be the final solution. If I've learned anything this year, it's that I personally cannot find some simple solution and be totally confident and healthy all the time. Even currently, I'm a weird eater. I still really like to measure things. On holidays that are centered around food I feel less anxious if I run in the morning. As some of it is that I like how I feel when I can eat a big meal after running, but I know that some of the motivation is coming from knowing how much I'll be eating later that day. And for now, I'm ok with that. This is progress, and I feel better thinking about an achieved goal of the process rather an a permanent victory.

So yeah. Thanks for reading my extensive self reflection. If you feel so inclined, post stuff in the comments. Or ambush me in real life, because I am pretty aware that like 99.8% of you are from facebook and I'm always down to chat about food and stuff.

Hm. Enjoy the warm weather for the foreseeable future. I mean, I wouldn't put it past Chicago to drop to a 32 degrees mid June, but as far as weather.com can alert me, we are in the clear.

Kait

Surviving the Suicide of a Sibling for Dummies.

What? Are you really reading this? Is Kaitlyn writing a "shit gets real" blog about something that isn't Toddlers and Tiarras or my sadistic love of finals week?

Yes. Yes I am.

I will try to keep it from getting super emotional though. Mostly because I hate when people get super emotional online. Not that the internet isn't a place to share your feelings. But it really bothers me. So if it bothers you too, I'm with you and will do my best to keep it witty. Dark and witty at best.

Ready?

Part 1: A Brief History for Confused Readers
If this is coming out of the blue, don't worry about it. I didn't talk about it much till this year. Here's what you need to know. My brother Nick died my freshman year of college. He was 16. He had a lot of emotional problems and was experimenting with some unhealthy coping mechanisms. My parent's found him in our basement on a rope on October 17th, 2010. I got the news via phone call from my dad at about 7:30pm about a half mile outside of Chicago.

Part 2: Why on Earth I Would Write Such A Heavy Downer Blog
Because no one has done it. Or at least as of October 18th, 2010 I could find nothing on the subject. And I like to have guides for things. So I turned to the internet. All the sites were geared towards parents grieving for their children. There was literally nothing for siblings. Self help books? There is one. It's called "An Empty Chair." I own it. It sucks. All the stories are from adults who lost their siblings to suicide looooong after they had been living apart for years. My brother and I were really tight. Couldn't relate to them at all. I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful human in my life who had lost her brother to suicide and she really helped me through it. For those of you who do not have any sympathizers, this is for you.

Part 3: Surviving the Death of a Sibling. 
      A Step by Step Guide for all the Shit that has just Hit the Fan. 

Getting the News.
 At this point, suicide feels like a logical next step. Suicide pacts sound even better. You're wrong.  Don't do it. I distinctly remember trying to work out how I could go about offing myself in the backseat of my friend's car as they drove me back to Ohio without them noticing. Hate to create a scene ya know? Your brain isn't working correctly. Just keep yourself safe and get to your family.

Food.
I love food. And I didn't eat anything except a glass of chocolate milk and some coffee until October 20th. (Silver lining: lost 10 pounds. Fabulous). I think this is an acceptable thing. Just don't pass out. After day 2, force feed yourself some carbs. Go for bread.

Shameless.
You are super sad. This is the only time in your life when it's acceptable to be a fucking wreck. Take it in. I bawled and dry heaved my way through every other rest stop between Chicago and Cleveland. The looks I got. Horrifying. Worth it. Also, the emails I sent to my professors were basically,

Hi,
My brother just killed himself in our basement. I will not be in your class all week.
Kaitlyn.

This is the only time in your life you're allowed to be that level of ugly emotional. Go big or go home. If someone dare criticize you within 3 days of the death, fly off the handle. Justified.

The Funeral.
Go. It's hard. And depending on the method of suicide, it's less pretty than a regular funeral. Kiss um. Head's up, it's waxy. Let yourself ugly cry in front of everyone. Leave something in the coffin. Don't volunteer to speak at the service. Don't put the pressure on yourself to formulate words and get up in front of people. Your only job is to grieve. And that's hard enough. So focus on you.    

Get Help
There is no shame in therapy. You probably need it. 

"How Are Your Parent's Doing?"
Literally EVERYONE will ask you this this. It's as if they forget that YOU have just lost a sibling! Then you will google "help me my brother just killed himself" and all that shows up is an article about how siblings are the "forgotten grievers." And you're all like, "well yeah, I know. now what." Then you will want to die. I would see relatives, friends, teachers, people that I really needed support from and they would say something like, "Hey, I heard about Nick. Are your parents doing ok? This must be so hard for them." REALLY? REALLY. Yeah. I wanted to punch them in the face too. Try not to. Though if you do, it's totally justified. No one seems to understand this point, but I do. They don't understand that they are literally tearing out your insides and smashing them to a pulp. You deserve to hurt a whole whole lot. Just as much as your parents. Own that. Don't let people make you think you have less of a right to grieve.

Side note to anyone who comes in contact with the live sibling within a year of the death of their counterpart. Do NOT ask how their parents are. Just don't. You are there for your friend. Be there for your friend. Ask how they are doing. Everyone feels bad for the parents. People straight up forget about the sibs.

Side note two: If you have stumbled across this as a grieving sibling, feel free to contact me. I want to help you. It's basically why I posted this. Leave a comment. We'll figure it out. Hang in there.

So You're An Only Child Now?
This is rough. Everyone's situation is different, but I don't have any other siblings. If you're in this boat, losing one not only takes a person from you, but it takes a role. I loved being an older sister. I considered it part of my identity as a person. Without a younger sibling, it's rough to be an older sister. As far as time tables go, expect to feel like half of you is dead for about 4 months.


Start Spreading The News (Name that Show tune bonus prize!)
Well now you have to tell people right? I found calling people and dropping this huge bomb of hurt very therapeutic. So don't feel guilty if you're all like, "I'm so unbelievably sad, I just wanna bring every body down with me." They didn't lose a sibling. They'll be fine. Go for it.

Getting Back to Your Life.
Eventually, the super grief subsides. What you're left with is crippling depression and a weeks wroth of makeup work. But you'll be functioning. You can do it. When I came back to school, I didn't want to be known as "the girl with the suicidal brother." I kind of already earned that identity within my dorm and didn't want pity friends. I wanted people to meet Kaitlyn. Not "that girl with the dead brother". This made my transition back to school easier and harder. Easier because I didn't have to be constantly reminded of how sad I was. I could push the feelings aside if I wanted to and pretend that things were normal for a while. It was really hard though because I could see the support my parents were getting back home while I wasn't getting any of that. My freshman year friends were WONDERFUL and did so so so much to help me. I am forever grateful to them. But its very different from the situation my parents were in where they didn't have to explain anything. Everyone just knew that they were broken up.

Mixed Feelings on Home.
Being at college, I didn't have time to adjust to being in a home without Nick. I got sick every time I went home. I'd come home for three or four days at a time, a month at Christmas, and everything looked, smelled, and felt like it did the night I came home when Nick died. And I couldn't get past it. I realized at Easter that I hadn't changed my sheets at home since October. I changed um. Cleaned up my room. Felt better. If you're in college, expect it to take somewhere within a year for your house to feel anything other than tragic.

Every Time I Ride The Megabus, I Get Sick.
And I couldn't figure out why. Than I realized, the first time I road the megabus was to go home for Thanksgiving Freshman year a mere month after my brother had died. I was terrified to go home and have to deal with Nick's death again. And like any accomplished college partier knows, sense memory is real. Be prepared for these things. Deal with them accordingly. I recommend sit com DVDs.

Holidays
These are rough. You don't realize how much your siblings are a part of your holiday. Because holidays take people back to their childhood. Even when you're grown up. I combated this by giving myself tasks. Instead of watching the parade by myself, an activity I used to share with Nick, I helped cook stuff. The first ones are the worst. I honestly recommend taking a friend, cousin, boyfriend/girlfriend with you to a family dinner. Just so you have someone to pair off with. But after you've been through a few, these get easier too. I promise. You learn how to do holidays in a new way. And you appreciate them differently.

Coming Out of the Dead Sibling Closet.
I still have a rough time with this one. I talk about my brother pretty frequently. I don't think most of my friends I've made in college know that he is dead. And people react weirdly when I offhandedly remark that my brother hung himself. Well I'm sorry if you don't see that as appropriate lunchtime chat. My mistake. Needless to say, this is a truth bomb that must be dropped delicately. Usually I go with,

Friend: "Oh, do you have any siblings?"

Kaitlyn, "I had a younger brother."

In my brain, my friends catch the constant use of past tense. They usually don't. So Might I suggest, "I had a younger brother, but he passed away a few years ago." Or "...Well not any live ones..." Then just leave um hanging. (ohhhhhhh puns). To be honest, I don't really know what to do with this one. You could always blog about it :)


Activism.
This made me feel better. Get involved. When you're ready.

YOU WILL NEVER KNOW MY PAAAAAIIIIIINNNNN.
After you've survived the super pain of losing a sibling, it's real hard to take anyone else's problems seriously. You'll be all like, "oh, your girlfriend broke up with you, NO FUCKS GIVEN." It's alright. Eventually you'll be able to sympathize with problems smaller than losing your whole family in a horrific plane crash. Or if this bitterness lingers for a while, don't beat yourself up. But realize, little things hurt too. And other people deserve love and attention. You may not be able to give them that attention, but everyone is entitled to their feelings. You don't want to hear this right now, I know. Just bear with me and keep it in mind.

It Gets Easier.
Keep it up. You can do this. There are people who've survived this. You have people who understand. Find them.   



*I wrote this entry sometime last year I think. I'm a little further from it now, but I remember these feelings being really really real at the time. I've gotten past most of this. For example, I will not scream at you if you talk about your boy problems to me. I'll probably jump in about my girl problems, so no worries there. But anyway, should your sibling die I hope this provides some sort of guidance. Also, I really want to help people who have lost people. Feel free to contact me if you think it would help you or someone you know.

Also, I feel the need to take care of you emotionally after dumping on you. I'm going to lighten the mood with a quick funny story. So the other day my roommate made a comment that I thought was directed towards this person we were both crushing on so I suggested that she "take off her clothes and run to Canada." Turns out she was talking about one of our mutual friends... and an awkward time was had by all.

Kaitlyn

So do you have any Siblings?

My heart hiccuped, I opened my mouth as if to answer, I nearly launched full throttle into a blog entry right then and there

But then I thought I should probs fill everyone in and give my typical intro. Because I like it.

Intro: Quote of the Day: "If a kid poops in his locker, I'm your girl!" Said by yours truly during a summer job interview. This may be why I am temporarily unemployed.

In honor of nothing particularly sacred, I feel it is time to share some pretty personal information with you blogsphere. Give yourself a pat on the back for leveling up.

Prologue: Subtitle - The cliff-notes of events of October 17th 2010. I had a younger brother, Nick. We were really close (but that's a post for another day) and he struggled with a lot of emotional problems (again, another day). On October 17th, 2010 he choked himself to death in our basement.

For more information about choking, here's this. http://www.gaspinfo.com/en/home.html. For the record, I am not in love with this website, but it's informational. And I'm completely comfortable talking about my brother/mental/emotional health issues. So hit me up. I didn't bring it up much freshman or sophomore year because I didn't want to be "that girl with the dead brother" so don't feel bad if this is the first time you're hearing about any of this. More on this in the future.


Back to my Narrative: 

I was getting a haircut the other day (I have so little hair now, it's glorious) and I was chatting away with the stylist. School, work, dating, the typical stuff. Then she told me a story about her sister and asked me if I had any siblings. I am completely comfortable talking about Nick, and his death, but still the subject has been tripping me up for the past three years.

Generally if a classmate or someone I'll be seeing frequently asks, I'll tell them that I had a younger brother but he died a few years ago. Though I've gotten a range of reactions, most people just say "ok" or "sorry" and leave it at that. Which is fine. Other people ask what happened. Also fine, but either way I feel like people are uncomfortable with the subject.

However, with people that I'm only with for a short time, I can't figure out how to navigate the subject. I am not an only child. I still consider myself a sister even though my counterpart currently resides 2 states over and 6 feet under. Being a sister was such a huge part of my identity and I'm not willing to let that go on a technicality. I mean, I tell stories about him all the time.

There's a line though. Stories are fine if you're acknowledging that they were in the past. Even then, sometime's I'll tell a story about Nick and then someone will ask how old he is... Do I say the age he was at the time of the story? Or 16? Or that he would be 19? Or dead? Is dead even an age? Plus who wants to think about dead brothers when you're in the middle of a chat about spraying pepper spray in your eye to test it (true story)? I mean, if I'm bringing up my brother, I'm already aware of the dead part, but I don't want to bring down the whole room.

When the stylist asked me if I had any siblings, I said "Yes, I have a brother. He's 16." Then I proceeded to talk about him as if he were still alive and it was 2 years ago. I have never tried this response before and I have mixed reviews. It was simple enough because I avoided the sometimes uncomfortable conversation of his death and I didn't have to deny ever having a sibling. Seems like a win win.

Only not really though. He only made it a few months into his sophomore year. So to talk about what he would be up to now (even as a sophomore) I had to make up his reaction to finals, summer break, summer jobs, friends, music, everything. It felt fake. I don't like it.

So then what? I don't like saying that I'm an only child. Cause I'm not. And I don't want to bring up that I have a dead sibling to someone I'm never going to see again. Because, comfortable as I am talking about him, not everyone is. Plus I don't want to bring up any losses they've experienced if they don't want to focus on them. And will only work for so long. I mean, I can only have a 16 year old brother for a decade more at most. At some point math gets involved and it doesn't make sense.

I have yet to come to a conclusion. So instead I shared my innermost private thoughts with the internet. You're welcome.


Well that pretty much wraps it up. I'm sorry this (hopefully) doesn't apply to anything that's happening in your life. I wish I could find a way to make this more applicable than a personal reflection that I've just spilled to the internet. Uhmmm I guess this would be akin to getting asked about a relationship after you've broken up? Similar feelings? But way different and less permanent? Meh, do with that what you will.

I don't really know what to say about this one. I'm not sorry for writing it but I can't do my usual "hope you enjoyed" or "hope this made you laugh." Isn't exactly fitting ... I guess "Hope this didn't put too much of a damper on your Monday but thanks for reading?"

Whatever.

Silver lining: Now that this is out in the open, I have free range to blog about my crazy sibling adventures. Which were pretty excellent. Expect that soon. Also I have an opening to publishing my handbook of "How to survive what might have been the suicide of your sibling without jumping off a bridge yourself, the Kaitlyn Dessoffy story" to the blog world.

I shit you not, I've been drafting it.

There is literally nothing left to say about this but I feel compelled to keep writing.

Probably because I told myself that I'd go running when this post was finished. Yeah, I bet that's it.

Anyway.

GO RUN.

yeah. that's what's happening.

Have a good day internet world! Enjoy your new found freedom college students! High schoolers, the end is in sight! People with normal jobs (really putting off this running now) keep on truckin! People without jobs I feel your pain! Me too!

This is like finding the death of a moment in movement class when it's just not gonna happen. If you've made it this far you're a champ.

Just go for a run girl. You got this. Ok.

Peace out home skillets,

Kaitlyn

Diet Blooper Reel.

Hi Compadres.

It's been 2 months. Oops.

After mulling over some conversations I've had with friends recently, I found that we don't talk about "things ya just don't talk about" often enough. Cause a lot of people are in the same boat on touchy subjects. So I think I'm just gonna share my metaphorical boat with the interwebs. And here it is.

Today's topic of discussion: Food.

I've been around the dieting block quite a few times. I would consider myself pretty well versed in "how to not lose weight while intentionally changing your consumption patterns." So I've decided to provide, if nothing else, a brief, comical summary titled:

"WHY GOD WHY?! A brief, chronological, lighthearted look at Kaitlyn Dessoffy's diet plan(s)"

Plan 1: The Dance Diet

Summary: Dance 7 hours a week. Eat whatever you want.

Pros: Mon-Friday, lose 6 pounds.
Cons: Saturday-Sunday, find them. Self hatred ensues.


Plan 2: The "After Six" Diet

Summary: Rather than stopping eating at six pm, start eating around 6 pm. Usually resulting from a lack of planning, packing, and lunch hour. Struggle buss it through the day on a Nutrigrain bar and a handful of chex mix.

Pros: You save so much time not eating. Now you have time to sleep, funny how you're so exhausted all the time.
Cons: It doesn't work. Also you have zero energy. Don't do this.

Plan 3: The Soy Milk Diet

Summary: Circa 9th grade I discovered I was allergic to Soy Milk. Having a hard time stopping yourself from eating? You can't eat when you're working on keeping lunch down.

Pros: None. 'cept that this one was super short lived.
Cons: On top of the swollen throat and digestive tract fire storm, you're pretty disappointed in yourself. Also, this is a pretty ineffective way to get energy from food. Or lose any weight from a lack thereof.

Plan 4: Weight Watchers!

Summary: Sound familiar?! The WW diet gives you 29 "points" per day, with 42 extra points to use throughout the week. Fruits and Veggies are free. As are diet, non-calorie foods. Points are calculated using Carbs, Protein, Fiber, and Fat content values. Ex: Bread: 3 points. Chicken: 5 points. Cheese: 6 points. Yogurt: 7 points.

Pros: It works! And you're not starving yourself! And you have to eat fruits and vegetables!
Cons: Point Values are so fucking annoying to calculate. You thought calorie counting was hard? This is not even a value on the box. And it makes you look at food in a quantitative form. You can eat this diet on apples, lettuce, chocolate, and crackers. Eventually you find the right way to combine your allotted 29 points so you are still dieting, but you are also gaining weight. Also, your body adjusts to this within a few months. So you have to gradually eat less and less points to maintain your body weight. At 25 points a day, No bonus for working out, and no points plus, you start to panic a little. How much less can you eat?! This is your cue to take yourself off the diet. 

Plan 5: The CATS diet

Summary: See "Dancer diet" but add to that the looming threat of dancing 4 shows a week in a spandex leotard.

Pros: I was in the best shape of my life
Cons: The run only lasted 3 weeks. The diet lasted 3 months. No good. No good.

Plan 6: The Love Your Body Diet.

Summary: Accept the 6 pounds you gained last summer. You're not overweight.

Pros: You're in great shape mentally! And physically too come to think of it.
Cons: Who are we kidding here? That acceptance lasted 2 days. Literally 2 days. Then it took a journey that went a little something like, annoyance --> critical mirror looking --> scales and tape --> panic --> TREADMILL! And sadness. 

Plan 7: The back to basics

Summary: An honest attempt to eat well. Stipulations: 1. Mostly Vegetables 2. Get all the food groups in there 3. Eat only when you're hungry 4. Don't weigh yourself more than once a week 5. Don't freak out about how you look.

Pros: Days 1-3 you do a bang up job.
Cons: Day 4: You weigh yourself. No progress. --> Anger and self loathing. Convince yourself that you are too uptight for this silly "mindful eating" thing. Scour the internet for crash diets. Yeah, cause if you didn't have the will power to make THIS one work, eating only soup for a week is definitely a better option.


Plan 8: Calorie Counting

Summary: myfitnespal.com. 1270 per day. Ya get some extra if you work out.

This is pretty much what I'm up to now in terms of food. So far so good. It's definitely a little obsessive, but I'm pretty type A, so this is run of the mill. Counting calories is definitely a restrictive measure, but I find that any stress caused from counting calories is not nearly as bad as stress I feel when I'm not comfortable in my body. It's a work in progress.


Welp, that just about covers it. I hope you enjoyed my metaphorical boat. I'm thinking a lot of people have shared this metaphorical boat. So how about we make food discussions a little more open, yeah? Don't be embarrassed. I just regurgitated (sorry, couldn't pass it up) my questionable dieting methods from the past 7 years to a public forum. Ya can't do much worse than that.

Meh, that's all I got. 

Kait

Weird things you do when you're absolutely terrified of germs.

I have 3 unfinished blog posts just waiting to be finished up and posted. So I apologize for the lack of reading material. It's coming soon. There will just be a shower of "Kaitlyn's on winter break" blogs. You'll see. Hopefully.

Sidebar, good luck on finals guys. Study hard. Sleep. Don't get sick.

Which leads me to my next point (see what I did there? clever. yes clever).

Let's take a small jaunt down memory lane shall we? Kaitlyn, in high school, terrified of germs. Kaitlyn, in college, no longer terrified of germs. Details aside, I can laugh about it now. As if I am not constantly laughing at myself, but you get the idea. 

So in case you missed it, might I present, my inner monologue circa 2005-2010.

1. If someone around you is sick, you will catch it, you will then get so sick that you cannot function as a human. The world will stop turning, and you're good as dead.

2.  Arrive at restaurant.
Excuse yourself to go use the restroom.
Wash your hands. Turn off sink, realize you just recontaminated your hands by touching sink.
Rewash hands, turn off sink with elbows, reach for door handle...
Rewash hands, turn off sink with elbows, reach for door handle with sleeve over hand, remember that guy at lunch that brushed up against your arm and probably contaminated your sleeve
Rewash hands, turn off sink with elbows, wait by door until someone else opens it to come in, dart past them. Walk with hands in fists to table. sit with hands folded tightly together, under the table.
Someone hands you their menu....ARE YOU KIDDING ME...there's no dodging it. You are polite.
Excuse yourself to go use the restroom.

3. Stomach Ulcers.

4. Worrying that your ulcers are the flu. Stomach ulcer's get worse.

5. Huffing Lysol makes every bit of logical sense to you. You literally cannot think of a reason not to huff Lysol. It would sanitize your lungs! As long as there are no germs in your body, you are healthy. You don't do it. (Phew.) You do however, Lysol your breakfast cereal that one time...maybe twice..anyway,

6. Sick people are lepers. If you come within 5 feet of them, hold your breath. Excommunication is incredibly rude, and you know it. Think of clever ways to dodge conversations. Cleaning your sock drawer is important business yo. 

7. Don't share drinks. If someone asks, tell them you're sick. If there's even a chance that someone has taken a sip out of your water bottle, its done.

8. Hoard your food. Sanitize the bags your keeping it in. Don't let people question why all you have eaten for the past week is carefully rationed cheerios.

9. Your hands start bleeding cause you washed um 30 times today. You remember Magic School Bus episode where they all get into the sick person's body through the cut on their knee. *Existential crisis.

10. Live in a constant state of panic and stress. Stress and panic lower your immune system. Get sick all the time. *Irony.

11. Realize you probably have a problem. Refuse to get help because that would require going to a doctors office. Do you know who goes to doctors offices? Sick people. Absolutely out of the question. 

11. Go to college. Share a really small room with someone who (inevitably) gets sick. Learn that the common cold is not comparable to having a stroke. Months later, you can breath a little. Life gets easier.


And there ya go. If any of this sounds familiar, I'm gonna help you out a little: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/index.shtml

(basically I'm reppin the crap out of this website)

And for any of you who just judged real hard, here's this: http://www.mentalhealthvic.org.au/index.php?id=112

No live on enlightened one, live on.

Adios, 

Kaitlyn or Kait or Kaity. As people often ask which a prefer. And I have no preference. Boom.

My Overwhelmingly Positive Review of Silver Linings Playbook.

HI. 

How are your finals going? I'm gonna hope your answer is "done." But I go to Loyola and ours run over 4 days. Go figure. But in case you're concerned, mine were great. I wrote 4 essays in 2 days in a fevery daze. A literal fever. In public. I would see people well across the way, blink, and they were within feet of my person. Ran into Jonathan Wilson. Not literally, no fear. The whole experience was... It was... honestly I can't say. But my papers got in.

Quote of the Day: "The lights got light and it got real festive real fast" -my essay.

Now for something less self deprecating.

Silver Linings Playbook is the greatest. If you haven't seen it, drop what you're doing right now and go. The story follows Pat, who has just been released from a mental hospital after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. For those who know me, you'll realize that this is in my trifecta of obsessive interests (Musical theatre, sharks, mental disorders). Bipolar disorder hits particularly close to home. But private things are private, and these are the interwebs. So I'm gonna leave it at that.

But really, so see it. Need convincing? If blogging be the food of great movies, read on: [It worked better in my head.]

This is the most honest portrayal of bipolar disorder I have seen in a movie/tv show/reality series. They didn't go for the over dramatic, controversial storyline. My favorite part is that there was NOT ONE mention of or attempt at suicide or self injury. I'm not suggesting we ignore the most dangerous aspect of bipolar, but as soon as self injury gets brought up, we all make some assumptions: cutter, crazy, pitiable, sick, attention seeking, over dramatic, gross. These assumptions completely take over the character and we ignore all their other colors. So thanks writers for not taking the easy way out here.

By keeping it light, the script was able to stay beautifully honest. This is my problem with other interpretations of mental illness in the media. Let's take the beloved "Next To Normal." Sure, it's tragic, great. That's real sad for those of you looking in on their family. I know that was a broad sweeping statement, and I don't judge anyone for being affected by it, but I personally found it hard to sympathize with. My impression of the show is that I have already lived most of it. And that Diana lives till the end. But that is neither here nor there. I'm worried that after seeing such dramatic portrayals makes people who haven't experienced mental illness first hand think that that's how it always goes. This is so destructive. It stops people from looking up actual facts about the illnesses. There's more to people than razor blades and cleaning sprees. It also dehumanizes the affected person. When all you remember about Diana is the pills, the cutting, and the broken family, you don't get to look at her as a person. Just think about it. And educate yourself. Here: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml

I don't want to offend anyone. And I know that most of my friends are very knowledgeable on the subject of mental disorders. But I'm forever campaigning to dispel the stereotypes surrounding them. So please, give the site a once over. Or a thrice over. It'll be worth it.

*elegantly steps of soapbox. Back to Silver Linings.

Do the families have arguments? Yep. Do they have the potential to become the central conceit of the show? Yes. But when events like this are a part of your day to day, you don't give them the quality of attention that an outside observer would. I appreciate the lack of dramatic injury montages from this one. It had a real sense of "Well that happened. Lets keep on keepin on." Yes. Thank you for not making Pat a monster.

I love that Pat and Tiffany could have ugly, loud, public fights. It was honest. It was ugly. It wasn't over dramatic. I love that Pat, his brother, and his therapist could get into huge public fights. Again, honest and ugly. And unbiased. This movie doesn't create a hierarchy of humans based on their diagnosis or lack thereof. And the person with bipolar disorder isn't a monster. Praise Jesus.

There's a quote that I don't remember exactly, but it really resonated with me. It was something along the liens of, "Maybe people like us know something ya know? Like something that not everyone knows." Again, yes. Not brought up as a major theme later in the movie, no worries, he doesn't have a hero complex. But still. Yes. 

Also, his dad has a touch of OCD. And, unbeknownst to Robert De Niro, we totes had a heart to heart.

This movie reaffirmed for me that you can reach and affect people without going for the super dramatic. Also comedic lightness. Effective. Yes.

So I wrote my most serious blog about it. You're welcome.

Woof, I hope this makes sense. I'm having a really hard time putting words to this. Seeing this movie was like being on the inside of a beautifully crass inside joke. It represents the community of people dealing with mental disorders really really well. And you all need to see it.

The end.

Muchos love,

Kaitlyn 




  

A Defense for the Neurotic

Hi All.

So it's been longer than I'd hoped. Mostly due to a script I got to write and direct. Had 6 lovely, hard working ladies put The Norman Rockwell Monologues on it's feet. And it was a great experience. And then I forgot this post existed until today. Oops.

Quote of the Day: "It does make sense, in a 90s children's movie, to have heterosexual horses."

Segue to blog topic:

Little known Kaitlyn Fact of the Day: I am super envious of people who don't schedule their lives. As of late, this envy might have turned to self hatred, rooted in my inability to adapt to said lifestyle.

My people, if you will, are responsible for a great deal of "stick up your ass" rules. Generally broken by much cooler, English 300 type transcendentalists. We are taught in said English classes that these free spirited folks saved the world from the evils of "The English Social Season" and "the Débutante system." After reading these philosophical, enlightened papers we are encouraged to take up the torch, live freely! Carpe Diem! Take time to smell the roses!

Bull Shit.

I present: A Defense for the Neurotic.

While this abominable concept of "free time" may work for some people, when I am given a chunk of unscheduled time, I panic. Take my MWF schedule. My first class doesn't start till 1:40. Big mistake. In an attempt to be less routine-ee, last Wednesday I decided to wing it. The result: I sat on the quad and ate a sandwich for an hour. Bored out of my mind. Tried to combat intense boredom by checking out a Stephen King novel from the library about baseball.

Nothing about this situation is acceptable. First of all, Stephen King novels are terrifying, and I get freaked out by scary movie trailers. Second, I am in no way a fan of baseball. I like to play pick up games, but I was nearly kicked off my t-ball league for doing cartwheels in the outfield. So if unscheduled time for me results in Blockade Billy, we know there's a serious problem.

Que panic: what the hell is wrong with me that I can't handle a morning with no plans? It literally depresses me to think that there may come a time in my life when I will do reading that I won't later be held accountable for or sing without the prospect of an audition.

Then I got to thinking, what's so bad about scheduling every minute of your life? I mean, you have to spend like $12 on a planner, but other than that, you've got nothing to lose! Want to smell the roses? Pencil it in! How great would your day be if you woke up, looked at your planner, and saw that you were scheduled to smell roses from 2:34-3pm!? DAY MADE.

Also, scheduled people get so much more done. If you see how little time you have to write those 5 papers, you'll get um done before 3am. That said, anyone who frequents the IC knows that I occasionally have sleepovers there. Not the fun kind. The kind where you're alone and unconscious, having stress dreams about your pile of note cards that are only half done.

 Now, this is not to say I don't love my transcendental, save the human spirit type folks. A lot of my nearest, dearest friends are not chained to their schedules. And I love that they are so darned unregimented. But I feel like no one ever defends the fun suckers.

You're welcome.

Kaitlyn