How to Abort Your Diet.

*Disclaimer: I'm not a nutritionist. I have a body and a historically messy view of food. This is by no means the only way to be healthy. But hopefully it's the wittiest. 

A Step by Step Guide to hopping off the diet treadmill without it throwing you into a wall, thus humiliating you in front of all those ambitious 6am gym people.

Step 1: Admitting you have a problem. In the past 2 weeks have you:

• Weighed yourself more than 28 times
• Googled the caloric content of communion wafers, human sexual fluids, or chapstick
• Considered Diet Coke to be the healthiest beverage choice
• Ate only carrots during the day because you were going drinking with your friends that night
• Punched someone because they tried to share your carefully portioned mid-day nut meal 
• Woke up, ate breakfast, realized you have to run a marathon to break even in terms of calories
• Become paranoid that there was a labeling error and you are actually purchasing 2% milk
• Defeated your natural hunger response and live in a constant state of "is this an ulcer, or should I be eating?" 
• Defeated your Deity-given metabolism and managed to gain weight despite eating under 1000 calories per day
• Defeated your gag reflex and, well, ya know. 

If you answered "yes" to enough of the above questions to make you feel a little crazy, a lot hungry, and mostly terrified that your body will just spiral out of control if you don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of the nutritional value of your foods, take a few deep breaths, and continue to step 2. 

Step 2: Look yourself in the eye (using a mirror probably) and say, "It will be worth it in the long term to stop dieting now. Bodies are malleable and if you gain or lose weight, it can be changed in a healthy manner" 

This might take convincing. Here are some fun activities you can look forward to after you quit dieting: 

• Going out to eat and ordering something other than the lowest calorie item 
• Going out to eat. Period. 
• Eating when your hungry 
• Thinking about more effective ways to built a lean-to rather than what your next meal will be
• In an unexpected turn of events, feel like you have control over your body, not your diet
• Not having the metabolic rate of a 200 year old sloth 

Step 3: Get rid of all that shit they gave you at the start up meeting

Don't fool yourself. Never again will you need that specialized calculator that converts carbs, protein, fiber, and fats into point values. Just chuck it now. Besides, you know you've got all that memorized anyway. Hide your scale, measuring tape, whatever crazy fat calibrators you have. Put them somewhere incredibly difficult to reach. Like duct taped to the inside of your chimney or under your territorial cat's favorite pillow. 

Step 4: Put your skinny jeans in the way back of your closet

Dieting freaks out your metabolism. When you stop, your metabolism will re-calibrate and you might gain or lose some weight. Get ready, it's gonna be okay. This is 500 times harder when you're shaming yourself because your clothes are fitting differently. Accept these changes (as all weight fluctuations are) as temporary. 

Step 4 and 1/2 (the most important step, despite not getting its own number): Accept that the size you want to be and the size you are most healthy at, might not be the same. If you've been dieting hard, you might have pushed your body below where it should go. If you stop dieting and eat healthy, your body will probably go back to it's baseline. That might be a few pounds more or less than you would prefer. You have to accept that you won't look the same as you did at the peak of your diet. 

I repeat: You have to accept that you won't look the same as you did at the peak of your diet. 

One more time: You have to accept that you won't look the same as you did at the peak of your diet. 

Time hop is a thing? Uninstall that shit: You have to accept that you won't look the same as you did at the peak of your diet. 

Got it? Good. Moving on.

Step 5: Figure out how you want to eat now

Personal anecdote time (she says nearing the end of an obviously personal blog): I couldn't sustain 20 hours of dance a week, 16 miles of biking a day, and full time food service on my feet under 1200 calories. But I also couldn't do it eating exclusively carbs and fats. It helped me to keep it simple initially. Eat when you're hungry, stop when your full. Resurrect that food pyramid and try to eat from all the major food groups every day. Some structure is okay. It's hard to go from tracking everything to tracking nothing, so don't worry if you flounder a bit. 

This takes time. Sometimes you eat a whole bunch and get really sick. Sometimes you don't eat enough and get really sick. Sometimes your digestive tract takes a while to adjust to eating normally and you feel like garbage for a few weeks. Sometimes you get stressed out an calculate everything you've eaten over the past week in a matter of minutes. Don't let this getcha down. It's okay to not be perfect. 

The End. Good luck. God Speed. Happy Wednesday. 

How Not to Out Someone

It's June Friends!

If you remember from last year, June is Gay Pride month and I have been in full swing celebration. Orange is the New Black came out, I went to Midsommarfest, watched the Tony Awards, and worked a discussion about lesbians in literature last night.

So I'm handing out programs and a man walks up to me. With no introduction he asks, "So are you a lesbian?" Because I was working a queer lady centered event and I'm comfortable enough with that label I gave a straightforward "yes." But for the record, there are about a hundred less weirdo ways to ask someone if they're gay.

Generally, it's not of the utmost importance that you know someone's sexuality, but we all find ourselves in situations where we want to know. Here are some way less weird ways to handle yourself in a situation when you are unsure of someone's sexuality and are just dying to find out.

1) First of all, get to know the person. Asking a total stranger about their sexual preference is super weird.
2) Caveat: if you're in a bar/club/flirting situation adopt the "everyone is gay" perspective. If the flirtee turns out to be straight, move on! People assume I'm into dudes all the time. No offence taken. Getting tastefully flirted with can be flattering, even when there's nothing to be gained.
3) Bring up some gay topics with them. Ask if they're going to pride, drop a few tv references (think Glee, Skins, Pretty Little Liars, RuPaul's Drag Race).
4) Talk about yourself first. I'm pretty out, but I am more comfortable coming out to someone if it's part of a conversation rather than a one sided questioning. That can start feeling like an interrogation. No one likes that.
5) Ask them what they think of X celebrity. This is a good option because celebrities of all genders are super attractive. So if someone doesn't want to come out to you they can say "oh I would kill for Donald Glover's abs." They can be ambiguous or they can take the opportunity to say "oh I would kill for Donald Glover's abs but I would jump down Olivia Wilde's pants." Or "I would jump down Donald Glover and Olivia Wild's pants." Limitless.
6) "You play softball?" *wink* (winking is key)
7) Gents, I need some help with stereotypes beyond "are you a theatre major?" and "did you go to an all boys Catholic school?"

Jokes aside, the point I'm trying to make is that a person's identity is their own business. There are plenty of reasons why someone might not want to come out. Asking directly is effective, but if the only escape route is lying, you've just cornered someone into an uncomfortable situation. Asking directly in public adds more pressure to an already tense situation. Don't do that. If you're going to go the direct route do it privately after you've gotten to know the person.

More importantly, consider why you need to know this person's sexuality. If it's to crack a joke or embarrass them, don't ask. Make sure you have a valid reason to ask. People will tell you if you they want you to know. Don't create an awkward situation by rushing the answer out of them.

Kaitlyn

Gettin' Festive

Happy 30 degrees Chicago!

This happens every year. And I bitch about it every year. Maybe if I pretend that I'm happy about it online, it will translate to my actual life.

Haven't done this in a while, but I have TWO fantastic quotes of the day. Yesterday my lovely friend Elaine and I went to We Will Rock You at the Palace. During intermission I went to the bathroom. Now if you've ever tried to take a wiz during intermission at one of the big houses downtown you've experienced the bathroom ushers. Their sole mission is to make peeing the most anxiety provoking experience of your life. The woman in the stall next to me would shout "I'm still peeing, please wait... I'm still peeing, please wait" every five seconds or so. Amen girl. As if the quote gods hadn't smiled on me enough, there was more. In the second act of the musical the romantic leads start making out and then the stage blacks out. In the moment before the applause the gentleman behind me explains to his wife, "that means they had sex." Day, made.

So my battle cry of the past few weeks has been GETTIN' FESTIVE. And I think of it in all caps every time I say it. This is one of my favorite times of the year. I love being outside in the autumn. It feels like the world is getting ready for bed. Autumn is a 30 minute before bed shower where no one runs the dishwasher or takes a shit while your basking in the warmth.

And that's worth celebrating. Get festive with me.

Nay, GET FESTIVE with me.

I understand if you're having trouble motivating your one man festivity train. It's no easy task. I'm in college, I have classes and work and homework after that. But fear not fellow students. Allow me to share some of my favorite fall daily festivities with you. I could write for Better Homes and Gardens with this wording. Get ready.

1. Festive Candles. You know what makes a room instantly fancier? A lit candle. I write this from my cluttered little bedroom with a scented candle that is making the room smell like nostalgia itself. Like little house on the prairie. Only I have the internet and they had scarlet fever.

2. Festive Tea. You know what I really love about fall? Pumpkin Spice Lattes. But those puppies are 5 bucks a pop. And I work part time. Solution: Festive tea. Don't feel like waking up for that 8:30am Spanish class? Me neither. Like ever. But it's way better if you walk there clutching to a mug of home steeped "apple spice" tea.

3. Festive Music. My pandora recommendations are Mumford and Sons, Lumineers, Time for Three, Blackbird, Iron and Wine, and anything that has "Rocky Mountains" or "Portland" in the title. Basically as long as the musicians are exceptionally hairy, barefoot, and/or playing their music under a tree, it's a safe bet.

4. Festive Bakery. I shop at Aldi. Aldi is good at getting festive. Every week when I go to do my grocery shopping I am confronted with so much festive bakery on sale. Last week I made pumpkin spice cookies, tonight they were selling maple leaf cookies and pumpkin spice bread mixes. Having lots of yummy bakery in the apartment makes me anxious, so I bring it to work or give it as a spontaneous gift. Really everyone wins here.

5. Festive Food. Now that I'm done with Yonkers, I have time to cook. This is glorious. I haven't yet, but I have plans in the works for gourd based meals. Squash, pumpkin, raisins, apples, brown sugar. Cannot wait.

6. Festive Flannel. If I had my druthers I would wear flannel all the time. I've always been drawn to flannel, and then I found out it was about the gayest article of clothing one can own. Que lots of thrift store trips. And for the next few months, everyone else will be on board with my fashion statement. It would be a crime to let this opportunity pass.


So instead of (or in addition to) crabbing about how f*cking cold it is outside, enjoy the self propelled festivity.

Kaitlyn

Surviving the Suicide of a Sibling for Dummies.

What? Are you really reading this? Is Kaitlyn writing a "shit gets real" blog about something that isn't Toddlers and Tiarras or my sadistic love of finals week?

Yes. Yes I am.

I will try to keep it from getting super emotional though. Mostly because I hate when people get super emotional online. Not that the internet isn't a place to share your feelings. But it really bothers me. So if it bothers you too, I'm with you and will do my best to keep it witty. Dark and witty at best.

Ready?

Part 1: A Brief History for Confused Readers
If this is coming out of the blue, don't worry about it. I didn't talk about it much till this year. Here's what you need to know. My brother Nick died my freshman year of college. He was 16. He had a lot of emotional problems and was experimenting with some unhealthy coping mechanisms. My parent's found him in our basement on a rope on October 17th, 2010. I got the news via phone call from my dad at about 7:30pm about a half mile outside of Chicago.

Part 2: Why on Earth I Would Write Such A Heavy Downer Blog
Because no one has done it. Or at least as of October 18th, 2010 I could find nothing on the subject. And I like to have guides for things. So I turned to the internet. All the sites were geared towards parents grieving for their children. There was literally nothing for siblings. Self help books? There is one. It's called "An Empty Chair." I own it. It sucks. All the stories are from adults who lost their siblings to suicide looooong after they had been living apart for years. My brother and I were really tight. Couldn't relate to them at all. I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful human in my life who had lost her brother to suicide and she really helped me through it. For those of you who do not have any sympathizers, this is for you.

Part 3: Surviving the Death of a Sibling. 
      A Step by Step Guide for all the Shit that has just Hit the Fan. 

Getting the News.
 At this point, suicide feels like a logical next step. Suicide pacts sound even better. You're wrong.  Don't do it. I distinctly remember trying to work out how I could go about offing myself in the backseat of my friend's car as they drove me back to Ohio without them noticing. Hate to create a scene ya know? Your brain isn't working correctly. Just keep yourself safe and get to your family.

Food.
I love food. And I didn't eat anything except a glass of chocolate milk and some coffee until October 20th. (Silver lining: lost 10 pounds. Fabulous). I think this is an acceptable thing. Just don't pass out. After day 2, force feed yourself some carbs. Go for bread.

Shameless.
You are super sad. This is the only time in your life when it's acceptable to be a fucking wreck. Take it in. I bawled and dry heaved my way through every other rest stop between Chicago and Cleveland. The looks I got. Horrifying. Worth it. Also, the emails I sent to my professors were basically,

Hi,
My brother just killed himself in our basement. I will not be in your class all week.
Kaitlyn.

This is the only time in your life you're allowed to be that level of ugly emotional. Go big or go home. If someone dare criticize you within 3 days of the death, fly off the handle. Justified.

The Funeral.
Go. It's hard. And depending on the method of suicide, it's less pretty than a regular funeral. Kiss um. Head's up, it's waxy. Let yourself ugly cry in front of everyone. Leave something in the coffin. Don't volunteer to speak at the service. Don't put the pressure on yourself to formulate words and get up in front of people. Your only job is to grieve. And that's hard enough. So focus on you.    

Get Help
There is no shame in therapy. You probably need it. 

"How Are Your Parent's Doing?"
Literally EVERYONE will ask you this this. It's as if they forget that YOU have just lost a sibling! Then you will google "help me my brother just killed himself" and all that shows up is an article about how siblings are the "forgotten grievers." And you're all like, "well yeah, I know. now what." Then you will want to die. I would see relatives, friends, teachers, people that I really needed support from and they would say something like, "Hey, I heard about Nick. Are your parents doing ok? This must be so hard for them." REALLY? REALLY. Yeah. I wanted to punch them in the face too. Try not to. Though if you do, it's totally justified. No one seems to understand this point, but I do. They don't understand that they are literally tearing out your insides and smashing them to a pulp. You deserve to hurt a whole whole lot. Just as much as your parents. Own that. Don't let people make you think you have less of a right to grieve.

Side note to anyone who comes in contact with the live sibling within a year of the death of their counterpart. Do NOT ask how their parents are. Just don't. You are there for your friend. Be there for your friend. Ask how they are doing. Everyone feels bad for the parents. People straight up forget about the sibs.

Side note two: If you have stumbled across this as a grieving sibling, feel free to contact me. I want to help you. It's basically why I posted this. Leave a comment. We'll figure it out. Hang in there.

So You're An Only Child Now?
This is rough. Everyone's situation is different, but I don't have any other siblings. If you're in this boat, losing one not only takes a person from you, but it takes a role. I loved being an older sister. I considered it part of my identity as a person. Without a younger sibling, it's rough to be an older sister. As far as time tables go, expect to feel like half of you is dead for about 4 months.


Start Spreading The News (Name that Show tune bonus prize!)
Well now you have to tell people right? I found calling people and dropping this huge bomb of hurt very therapeutic. So don't feel guilty if you're all like, "I'm so unbelievably sad, I just wanna bring every body down with me." They didn't lose a sibling. They'll be fine. Go for it.

Getting Back to Your Life.
Eventually, the super grief subsides. What you're left with is crippling depression and a weeks wroth of makeup work. But you'll be functioning. You can do it. When I came back to school, I didn't want to be known as "the girl with the suicidal brother." I kind of already earned that identity within my dorm and didn't want pity friends. I wanted people to meet Kaitlyn. Not "that girl with the dead brother". This made my transition back to school easier and harder. Easier because I didn't have to be constantly reminded of how sad I was. I could push the feelings aside if I wanted to and pretend that things were normal for a while. It was really hard though because I could see the support my parents were getting back home while I wasn't getting any of that. My freshman year friends were WONDERFUL and did so so so much to help me. I am forever grateful to them. But its very different from the situation my parents were in where they didn't have to explain anything. Everyone just knew that they were broken up.

Mixed Feelings on Home.
Being at college, I didn't have time to adjust to being in a home without Nick. I got sick every time I went home. I'd come home for three or four days at a time, a month at Christmas, and everything looked, smelled, and felt like it did the night I came home when Nick died. And I couldn't get past it. I realized at Easter that I hadn't changed my sheets at home since October. I changed um. Cleaned up my room. Felt better. If you're in college, expect it to take somewhere within a year for your house to feel anything other than tragic.

Every Time I Ride The Megabus, I Get Sick.
And I couldn't figure out why. Than I realized, the first time I road the megabus was to go home for Thanksgiving Freshman year a mere month after my brother had died. I was terrified to go home and have to deal with Nick's death again. And like any accomplished college partier knows, sense memory is real. Be prepared for these things. Deal with them accordingly. I recommend sit com DVDs.

Holidays
These are rough. You don't realize how much your siblings are a part of your holiday. Because holidays take people back to their childhood. Even when you're grown up. I combated this by giving myself tasks. Instead of watching the parade by myself, an activity I used to share with Nick, I helped cook stuff. The first ones are the worst. I honestly recommend taking a friend, cousin, boyfriend/girlfriend with you to a family dinner. Just so you have someone to pair off with. But after you've been through a few, these get easier too. I promise. You learn how to do holidays in a new way. And you appreciate them differently.

Coming Out of the Dead Sibling Closet.
I still have a rough time with this one. I talk about my brother pretty frequently. I don't think most of my friends I've made in college know that he is dead. And people react weirdly when I offhandedly remark that my brother hung himself. Well I'm sorry if you don't see that as appropriate lunchtime chat. My mistake. Needless to say, this is a truth bomb that must be dropped delicately. Usually I go with,

Friend: "Oh, do you have any siblings?"

Kaitlyn, "I had a younger brother."

In my brain, my friends catch the constant use of past tense. They usually don't. So Might I suggest, "I had a younger brother, but he passed away a few years ago." Or "...Well not any live ones..." Then just leave um hanging. (ohhhhhhh puns). To be honest, I don't really know what to do with this one. You could always blog about it :)


Activism.
This made me feel better. Get involved. When you're ready.

YOU WILL NEVER KNOW MY PAAAAAIIIIIINNNNN.
After you've survived the super pain of losing a sibling, it's real hard to take anyone else's problems seriously. You'll be all like, "oh, your girlfriend broke up with you, NO FUCKS GIVEN." It's alright. Eventually you'll be able to sympathize with problems smaller than losing your whole family in a horrific plane crash. Or if this bitterness lingers for a while, don't beat yourself up. But realize, little things hurt too. And other people deserve love and attention. You may not be able to give them that attention, but everyone is entitled to their feelings. You don't want to hear this right now, I know. Just bear with me and keep it in mind.

It Gets Easier.
Keep it up. You can do this. There are people who've survived this. You have people who understand. Find them.   



*I wrote this entry sometime last year I think. I'm a little further from it now, but I remember these feelings being really really real at the time. I've gotten past most of this. For example, I will not scream at you if you talk about your boy problems to me. I'll probably jump in about my girl problems, so no worries there. But anyway, should your sibling die I hope this provides some sort of guidance. Also, I really want to help people who have lost people. Feel free to contact me if you think it would help you or someone you know.

Also, I feel the need to take care of you emotionally after dumping on you. I'm going to lighten the mood with a quick funny story. So the other day my roommate made a comment that I thought was directed towards this person we were both crushing on so I suggested that she "take off her clothes and run to Canada." Turns out she was talking about one of our mutual friends... and an awkward time was had by all.

Kaitlyn

Being all knowing, I Will Advise You In Life

Hi Friends!

Wow. Ok. Super busy week. This being the weekend though, I can stop neglecting this! Excellent! Let us begin.

NO WAIT before we (royal we? yes.) begin, I forgot 2 awesome things about Cleveland/Parma in my last post. #1 The Metroparks. Seriously Lakefront Trail and Central park got nuthin' on the untamed wilderness of Cleveland's biking/hiking trails. It's glorious. #2 Sterns Farm (Thanks Aunt Therese!). Because a farm within 5 miles of a major city deserves recognition.

Ok. Good to go.

So last week I was at my cousin's high school graduation party and his mom has this book out for all of us to write advice to him. I tried to come up with a witty quip about going out and partying whenever possible. It wasn't witty. But it got me thinking, I should write a blog about the vast magnitude of knowledge I have acquired in my first 2 years of college. So I think I'm gonna write some actual, thought out advice for high school/college/non students. Or else I'll just brag about how much I think I've grown in the past 2 years. We'll see.

What College Has Taught Me:

How To Poop Anywhere. (Clearly I am mature beyond my years) Anyone who lived in a dorm has hopefully acquired this skill. It's about 30% Tact, 20% Timing, and 50% Lack of Shame. Seriously though, I can take a dump anywhere completely incognito. Libraries during silent study hours, uncomfortably quiet hotel rooms, friends houses (you've been warned). Honestly, I recommend a dorm with community bathrooms solely for this purpose.

Sleeping at Night Feels Awesome. In high school I was lucky if I got 5 hours of sleep a night. And I was always sick, tired, and in a crap ass mood. Went to college, got 7 hours of sleep a night: problems solved. Try it. you'll like it.

It Doesn't Matter What People Think of You. Just do your thing. With the exception of your professors, employers, and maybe your grandparents, just do what you're doing. Shamelessly. Embarrass yourself a little, it won't kill you. Seriously, stop letting the fear of faux pas-ing get in your way. I faux pas all the time. So does everyone else. So lets all just stop kidding ourselves and start making others uncomfortable with our lack of social know how. 

How To Relax. In high school I was about 7 times more tightly wound than I am now. And that's saying something. The El has really helped me work this one out. If my train is stuck on the tracks and I'm gonna be late, there is nothing I can do about it. Well I could hop out the window and plunge to certain death. But barring any irrational moves, if I'm late, people will just have to deal. You've got bigger fish to fry. And either way, if your late, you're late. Or if your grades suck, your grades suck. If you got food poisoning from the cafeteria food an hour before your date with that hot guy/doll in your bio class, there is nothing you can do about it. Life is just better when you're not giving yourself an ulcer.  

Let People Be Mad at You. This is just something I really tip toed around in high school. It's not so bad. And a lot less frustrating on my end :)

Make Mistakes. College is a good place to figure yourself out. This can mean taking a wrong turn here and there. Don't worry about it. Fix it. Move on. Part II: Try new things. That's cool that you're life's ambition is to become the greatest underwater basket weaver ever, but taking a psychology class won't derail your life plans. Do stuff you didn't do in high school. Don't be afraid to realize that you have varies interests.   

Ugghh there's a bigger point that I'm trying to make here, but I don't think this got it across. Aside from the pooping part which is 100% accurate. This will get updated. Hmmmmm think of this one as a thought in process.

Toodle Pip! (Cats. Plan on attending)

Kaitlyn