Why I Hate Your Smartphone

Tragedy has struck the apartment.

Three of my (soon to be) four roommates have smart phones.

My grandpa like reflexes have always been keen to the dangers of new fangled doodads like the internet, calculators, texting, and online dating sites. Why can't we just grab our abacuses, head to the bar, and pick up dates the old fashioned way? By talking about your latest re-read of the Little House on the Prairie series and smoke signaling if you're up for a second date.

I recognize that giving up your smart phone may be a little harder than burning your abacus or doing away with the telegraph system, but the reward will far outweigh the price. Without further adieu (stop playing angry birds. Right now. You, yes You. I see you there. Put the phone down. Everything will be alright) Allow me to present: Why your Smart phone is the Work of the Devil. 

Point 1: Smart phones inhibit social skills. Social interactions with me are tangibly uncomfortable to begin with, if I had the crutch of unlimited knowledge/busy work at my finger tips, I would probably become a mole person. But in all seriousness, if I'm talking to you, you have my full attention. (Or at least my attempt at full attention, I have this tendency to zone out without realizing it. But that's a topic for another day.) Nothing makes me crazier than someone whipping out their phone and texting someone else while we are having a conversation. That person in your phone isn't in this room with us, ergo they're not in on our conversation. Also, as someone who occasionally texts while conversing (recovering texting addict), it's really hard to concentrate on what the other person is saying to you! Makes you feel real outa the loop. What's worse is when two people are talking while simultaneously playing on their smart phones. There conversations go a little something like this:

Azra: Yeah.... no it drives me crazy when that teacher does that chalk thing in that class.

Marco: I know, it's ... so annoying, right?!?!

Azra: So annoying. Yeah.

Marco: Yeah with the chalkboard ... I can't think of ... hold on a sec .... uhmm Do you wanna get lunch?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AZRA NO. NO YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET LUNCH. You should both go sit in your respective bubbles and chat with people who are not there about arbitrary things in 160 characters or less.

SUB POINT 1: When we are in a room full of people talking to a person whose not in the room, we are not really present in the room. I like human contact. Let's not let that die yeah? Cause I'll overcompensate by cuddling with all of you. All the time. And you'll be uncomfortable. 

Point 2: Hey, do you know the average life span of a Panda? Me neither, don't you DARE look it up on your phone. You don't need to know that right now. For the love of all things good and holy, wait till you get home. Then google it if you must. It drives me insane when we're in the middle of a conversation and you decide that you need to show me HOURS of information and videos on your TINY SCREEN to "enhance" our chat. I don't care. That's what documentaries and research papers are for. And I genuinely enjoy those.

Point 3: GPS. I have to admit that I have definitely been saved by friend's iPhone's whilst traversing Chicago. And I am only temporarily grateful. Knowing I can be saved by a travelers iPhone makes me not learn the area I'm in. Dangerous stuff. The iPhone does not have an "avoid ghetto" option. And I'm on foot. It's a crutch yo. Get a map...and while you're at it, grab one for me as well... If you think your sense of direction is bad now, wait till you get a smart phone. You will lose all organic ability to navigate. And that's sad.

Point 4: We don't need unlimited information at our fingertips. You don't need to know everything right now. Use your brain, think about it. Be patient.

If you have a remedial phone, keep it. Resist. Join me.

If your brain has already been taken over by your smart phone... It'll probably be like quitting hard drugs.

I'm here for moral support.

Quote of the day: "Apartment problem #483: I don't lock our bathroom door because our bathroom door doesn't close." Do with that what you will. And pee before you visit.

Kaitlyn