Fake it Till ya Make it.

I've allotted myself a 20 minute break from my Ethics paper to tell you a funny story. LEGGO.

So I sing in the choir at church sometimes. Last Sunday, I was doing that and at 5 minutes till the beginning of mass the cantor still hadn't showed up. So I was all like, "I've cantored before, I can totes fill in till she shows up."

So the choir director handed me an ipad (mistake #1) with that mass's music on it and I headed to the alter. As the lights were coming up to begin mass, the choir director messaged me on the iPad instructions for the psalm if I ended up getting that far. I figured I'd shoot him a quick reply to let him know I saw the message. However, when I clicked to reply to his message, it closed me out of the mass setting.

So like any proper 80 year old woman does, I panicked and hit every button. The priest was in the sacristy waving at me to start the mass and I just kept pointing at the tablet making a hopeless face. I finally got the thing to work, jumped up to the pulpit, read the invitation to mass, and began the opening song.

This is where it gets rough.

I made it through the refrain alright, but when I looked at the verses, I realized that they were written in this weird format that I couldn't quite follow.

So I made up the words.

Basically I took chunks from each random verse and sang them out of order with no regard to sentence structure or musical line.

It sounded something like this:
"In the valley of my soul Lord / forever and ever amen / to my heart"

or

"Jesus lead the people Israel to the / forever hallelujah sing his / sheep's and shepherds in my heart"

Steve would hold a chord when I had reached the end of a line, so there were these awkward gaps in singing. Then Steve would give up trying to figure out what I was doing and I took the opportunity to riff out a longer sequence of non sequitor verse chunks.

At one point I looked out and saw this group of students trying to follow what I was singing in the hymnals.

Mostly I acted like nothing was wrong and just continued to make up stuff until the song was over. At that point the cantor had arrived, so I chucked her the pad and headed back to the choir loft.

I had a blast. Looking forward to hijacking another formalized singing situation in the future.

As you were.

Peace out.

I Graduate In 3 Months.

*Vomits everywhere*

Hey there geckos. (I think I'm just going to start using animals as gender neutral crowd addresses. Like "hey cats" or "what up dog." It'll eventually appear normal.)

So it's been a while. I've been getting back to school, settling in to my last semester of college, and trying to figure out what I'm going to do when I'm out in May. If I'm being perfectly honest (which I am because this is the internet and everything is unquestionably true) today is the first day since December that I didn't have a quarter life crisis over graduating college.

I know that every newly minted "adult" goes through this, whether its graduating high school or college or whatever form of education you manage to keep yourself in past your mid teen years. Last semester I was checked out and ready to go, but now that I'm actually getting close, I've lost all drive to do adult things and have regressed to this directionless little life form that after 3 minutes of googling job apps ends up on facebook (seemingly by default) out of fear of not having my ducks in a row.

That's over dramatic, I know. But you have to understand, I was the kid who panicked when my mom moved the green recliner (that I never sat in) to a different corner of the room. Literally "world crashing down around me" type reaction to the unexpected rearrangement of furniture. This is probably comparable to moving thousands of chairs (all different colors) all over my small three bedroom apartment.

Also I'm going into theatre. So my job is basically to emote.

BUT TODAY was a five star day and I started to figure my shit out. And I think that's worth sharing.

So I'm taking a too good for words class about feminist (read: oppressed/minorities) critique of theatre. It is glorious. Consistently the best 2 hours of my Tuesday/Thursdays. Never did I think my passion for feminist discourse and theatre would collide, but they have and I am loving every minute of it. I could seriously go for days about this class, I'm realizing more about who I am as a person and what I can contribute to theatre, and learning about all these kick ass humans making kick ass theatre that is so powerful and new and breaks down all the barriers that I have questioned my entire life and this sentence is already too long so I'm just going to cut myself off here.

There are internships available in Chicago and elsewhere that involve dramaturgical type research for queer and feminist theatre companies. I want to do that.

Also, I'm really getting into Shakespeare. I still think its the hardest stuff I've ever read, and I still need so much practice, but I'm welcoming the challenge rather than sparknoting the plays and accepting sub-par acting. Which I've totally never done, ever. Also lots of people produce shakespeare. Sometimes with all ladies. Shakespeare + gender bending = Yes.

Also, I'm taking this class about women in literature. While I have lots to say about how the class is taught, I'm so into the styles of novels we're reading Its this first person, episodic, semi autobiographical fiction. I could write that stuff. So I'm going to write that stuff.

Also, today I went to a dialogue about queer folks in religion. Again, totally my jam. I would love to work with some organizations that help the LGBT community. Any marginalized community actually, but currently I'm most involved with this one.

So this is nice. For a while there I was afraid I had lost interest in literally all things. But there are three "also's" up there, so I guess I'm not doing so bad.

I just need to breathe. I tend to schedule myself within an inch of needing to warp time. While down time generally makes me anxious, I think its a good thing right now. I want to try a lot of new things. And that takes some time. So I'm taking advantage of my good mood to update my blog and assure you that I haven't fallen off the face of the planet.

I hope this wasn't the stereotypical "recent grad freak out" blog. I tried to avoid cliches. But I'm also living some cliches right now, so its tough to avoid. If ya didn't like it, I mean, I like to think I keep this thing pretty varied. And I have some good ideas for future posts that are a little less self centered. So that's fun!

Enjoy this balmy 20 degree weather we're having and I'll probably be writing again soon,

Kait

Ringing in the New Year (Part II)

Friends, Romans, Countrymen:

So this never got posted yesterday. In part due to the whole bed bug situation, but I'm not going to lie, most of the blame goes to the fermentation process of yeast and sugar. Certainly not in regards to my choices with said substances. But really, who limps through the entire next day. I left my tolerance in 2012. Anyway. 

New Years Resolutions 2014

1. Keep up with paperwork. 

I'm the worst person when it comes to getting my stuff in on time. Be it homework, job applications, the occasional bill, I procrastinate like its my job. And I enter "the real world" in a few months, so this is probably a good time to start being responsible. 

2. Stop apologizing. 

The other day I walked into a chair and apologized to it. I really don't like conflict so I'm generally the first person to give up my position in an argument to make everyone else happy. Chronic doormat. Which leads to me being grumpy and passive aggressive. I'll just start being normal aggressive. I had a sibling, I'm well versed in "conflict resolution. 

3. Finish my sentences.

I have this tendency to start talking, quickly transition to rambling, and then just trail off the end of a thought because I'm sure no one is listening. Generally people are listening. But if I expect them to stop listening, they do. This sounds so sulky, I don't want this to sound sulky. I'm not sulking! I'm the opposite of sulking. I'm GOAL SETTING. That's mighty progressive I dare say. Mighty progressive. 

4. Fully Commit. 

I'm much more comfortable tip toeing, but I need people to know that I have more chutzpah than that.  

5. Stop walking pigeon toed

Cause my feet turn out naturally. And when I do it, it doesn't quite have that feminine effect that it does with models in shoe ads. But it does make me look like I have to take a dump. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying. 

2-5 are all kindof hitting the same thing from different angles. Onward. 

6. Stop buzzing all your hair off. 

I don't know why this is even on here. I'm admitting defeat a year in advance. 

I think that's it actually. I'm going with an achievable set of goals. And there they are. 

Happy New Year!

Kaitlyn 

Ringing in the New Year. (Part 1)

Happy New Years Eve Everyone!

This morning I crawled out of bed after a wonderfully sound sleep following our 12 hour car trek from Atlanta to Cleveland. As I snuggled into my warm sheets and checked the time, I little brown dot caught my eye. And there it was. A bed bug. And one of his (hopefully few) friends.

AND SO ENDS 2013.

But really.

How does this happen to one person, two times, IN TWO DIFFERENT STATES NO LESS, 3 months apart?

So my New Years Eve Day will be spent with my mom and a laundromat. *bells, whistles.*

I'm ringing in the new year with a distinct sense that I am actually breeding bedbugs in my body somewhere and the worst buzz cut imaginable for my face shape. From a "first word problems" perspective, this is looking pretty bleak. But luckily for me, the bugs are only from our suitcases (damn you hotel) and I look bomb ass hot in beanies. I refuse to take this as any indication of how the following year will progress.

In an effort to make 2014 as bug free and stylish as possible, I've made some New Years resolutions that I'd like to share with you. But because it's only the 31st, you'll have to wait for tomorrow for those. Today, I will check in with my 2012 self's resolutions to see what marvelous progress I have made. Here we go.

1. Be able to do at least 1 pull up. 
Nope. Let's not talk about it.

2. Actually vomit from drinking. 
What was I thinking? I think its an achievement that this never happened...save for that one night with Pearl... you know what, let's not talk about this one either.

3. Volunteer. 
Pass. Clearly I've made great strides this year.

4. Food. 
SUCCESS! Its a work in progress, but I haven't weighed myself since Easter 2013 and I've only had like 3 meltdowns over cookies! And I'm not dieting. At all. Ahhh gold stars and self congratulatory praises!

5. Speak Up. 
This year I realized that conversations are a 2 way street. I think it made a difference. 
6. Do Work. 
I did a clean quadruple pirouette at Hot Mikado auditions. It will never happen again. My work here is done.

6.5 Do not beat yourself up because you are not the most slender, graceful, powerful, flexible, stunning dancer in the world. Work with what you've got. Boom. 
Yep. Backfired in me telling my ballet teacher that I don't like ballet. So I'm trying to resolve that. Doing well on that front though.

7. Work as a Barista at some point. 
Nope. Though I did apply for several barista positions they value promptness and experience over my CPR and CPI certifications.

8. Write a play.
Aint nobody got time for that. 

9. Date. 
Yep. I now have more super cool gay friends and a separate collection of horror stories. I'm going to prematurely deem this successful. And ongoing. So hit me up.

10. Follow my gut. 
I described this as "being less type A." And if that's the case, its a mixed bag. But overall, not too shabby.



So there ya go. My accomplishments and failures splayed out for the internet. 

I gotta go do all my laundry. Literally. All my laundry. 

Kaitlyn. 

Spanish Dos No Es Divertido.

I considered doing a rapid fire tweet approach to studying for my Spanish test tomorrow, but I hate when people post like maniacs all over the feed. So I'm condensing all my Spanish bitching into a blog. If you're looking for my blog about a window, scroll down. Man, the quality of this thing has taken a dive. It's ok. Finals are coming. All I want to do is blog during finals. But here's this. Enjoy.

12:19
What the hell kind of textbook doesn't have a table of contents? I'm gonna need so many post-its.
..haha post-its sounds like post tits. I'm 14. It's fine.

12:25
Shits so hot motha fuckas gonna fiiiind me, that shit cray FOCUS. Are those even the right wordsFOCUS.

12:44
"Ningun/o/a/os/as/ (a)" why you gotta be so tricky? There are too many rules with you. I don't like it.

12:48
Balls, I never texted my mom back. She texted at like 8am. Crappers. Sorry mom.

12:50
Either my Spanish books smells like weed or I'm losing my mind.
"O mi libro de Espanol...smells... que weed o yo soy... losing my mind." Almost. Almost but not really.

1:00
Found my directors notebook instructions in my Spanish book. Too much stress in one place at one time. My shoulder blades are going to be stuck to my ears.

1:05
"dir" "har" Stupid.

1:10
I'm going to sleep like a rock on Grayhound tomorrow.

1:24
This summer I told my boss, "No I totally get shlepping, I'm a theatre major, I do a lot of weird stuff for money." It didn't occur to me until now why that's weird. I was thinking more along the lines of dressing up in full cat unitard to belt Memory at a college arts fest. Maybe I did that a few summers ago.

1:27
Showers are like fuel for studying.

1:47
And like magic for remembering the Italian in the aria you're singing tomorrow.

2:02
The wall has been hit. Good night all.

Kait

Bay Window

Quote of the Day: "We've reached wigvana" -The lovely Kari and I on the perfection of Olivia's wig.
Quote of the Day II: "Is it a problem that I'm more attracted to mac and cheese than I am to human beings?" -The Queer Council on gay dating.

I think I may have mentioned this previously, but I do all my writing (also eating, homeworking, movie watching, visiting, etc.) from the same chair at our table in front of this lovely bay window that overlooks the street. I like to open all the windows because the view is very "Romantic Manhattan." We've got a clear shot down an ally, phone lines connecting rows of brownstone apartments, tree limbs that dangle in front of the glass, property fences, chain link fences, street signs, and the occasional arrest or drunk college student. Sometimes all in one unlucky person. I like being in this room because it's like being in a submarine or Star Trek spaceship. The ultimate fly on the wall position. Which I love. At least until I realize that windows are windows and as much as I enjoy the view, anyone can see in. Literally the neighborhood can see me live out 50% of my home life. The other 50% is spent sleeping. Usually with the window open so really it's not an improvement.

One day this summer I had just biked home from work on a blazing hot day. I have very little tolerance for shifts in temperature. I am happy as a clam from upper 50s to mid 70s. Chicago gets this for like, a week and a half every year. Maybe. I come from a long line of sweaty ladies, so this whole physical activity in the sun in the heat in my Orthodox Jewish garb absolutely necessitates stripping down to a bra and shorts within seconds of entering my apartment. I made myself a bite to eat and sat in my spot to wind down and have dinner. I didn't realize until about a half hour in. Made direct eye contact with a woman walking her dog. To that, I was wearing a pink bra with a bow on it. Because when your chest measures smaller than it did in 5th grade, you buy your bras in the children's section of target. Pink is inevitable. And they all have bows. If you try to cut off the bows, sometimes the bra breaks in half. So you cut your losses. You can counter act this by making a point to not wear any pink on the outside of your body ever.

Tonight the bay window is looking pretty damn handsome. I've developed an obsessive love of candles and have some fancy holiday ones in clear display. To add ambiance, I plugged in my roommate's strings of colored lights. It looks like I'm on a date, with myself, in the red light district. I dig it. It's freezing so I've busted out my favorite waffle shirt. It was my brothers and it has a yellow anarchy symbol spray painted on the front. And it doesn't smell like sweaty dude. So that's nice. And anyone who might be stalkerishly watching me has seen me down two bottles of tea in the past hour. Because there's nothing wrong with being really hydrated.

And we have bloody hands on our window pane. The end.

This is how to not write your directors notebook. Because when you put your mind to it, (not when you're gushing about your favorite window) you're a much better writer than you are a director.

Good night friends,
Kait

Tattoos.

Aye.

I have too much work to be writing this blog. Yolo. (oof, I have no intent of bringing that back. so you know.)

But I have been writing academic stuff all night and it's starting to get real scatterbrained. So I'm switching to this.

I think I want to get a tattoo for my brother. It's super cliche and stuff, but there's something appealing about having a symbol or phrase permanently etched into my skin that reminds me of him. It's like keeping his spirit alive. Sort of. Also it's bad ass and he would support it a hundred percent I think.

Problem is, I'm not quite as impulsively ballsy as Nick was and I definitely have a better understanding of consequences than he did. Like what if I hate it in like 10 years. I'm kinda stuck. Also I pass out nearly every time I give blood because, despite my expert covering of the anxiety needles give me, needles cutting my skin really freaks my shit.

Despite that, I've had several ideas in the past 3 years. And here they are.

1) "Those you love and lost still walk behind you" etched into my foot.

• Self explanatory. And it's on my foot and it's about walking, get it? And it's from my favorite musical. Problems: Is it creepy if I ever get cast in said musical and just happen to have a really heavy, personal show from the quote permanently inked into my foot? Also Nick didn't like musicals. So there's that. Also the question of font choice. 

2) "Life is what happens to you when you're out making other plans" painfully scarred into my shoulder blade.

• Because if I were a little more relaxed, it would be my motto. Actually, this one is mostly just for me. But it is a quote from the Beatles. And Nick liked the Beatles. They weren't his favorite band, but I am definitely not getting something written by a death metal band. Nope. Nope. Side note, I really don't like the song "Beautiful Boy" (where the quote is from) so the regret potential is like, a 7 or 8. Out of 10. 

3) A small autumn maple leaf on the underside of my forearm. 

• Location: There's a lot to be said for having something beautiful and red on my arm. I like that there's no words, symbols seems better to explain. Fall is my favorite season. Nick died in October and I remember coming home for the funeral and loving how bright the leaves were. I associate fall leaves with the woods between the high school and Nick's elementary school. Also with marching band. Nick was a very talented musician and we were in marching band together for a year. Some of my favorite memories of him are from band and I really like the idea of incorporating music into this. but I don't want to do a musical symbol. My only concerns are that from far away it will look like a scrape or something. So I was thinking about going for a more brownish color? I dunno. This is the front runner so far. 

Also, just in general, it might be problematic to get a dead brother tattoo of any sort. I mean, it might be a bit of a bummer. If not for me, for anyone who knows who it symbolizes. Mulling it over. Please feel free to give suggestions, advice, ideas? Yep yep. Ugh. I should maybe get back to my directing notebook. 

Yeah no, I can't leave you on that heavy a note. That's just not responsible. So I gave myself a haircut yesterday. Not like my typical scissors to bangs, I buzzed it. Not bald, mom you can relax now. Mostly I have myself a shattily done fade. But I'm diggin it. I just need to fix the top. Cause I have literally one curl that is just popping out of my head. And, while I love this, it's a tad out of place. 

Kait