Things I Learned From My Dad

Dearest Dads (and everyone else, but especially dads),

Happy Father's Day! I hope you all got at least an hour off and enjoyed it. I am going to take a minute or two to brag about my dad publicly because we are not terribly sentimental, but I am forever grateful for the role he played in my upbringing. So here is a non-exhaustive list of:

Things I Learned From My Dad. 

1. How to win a bar fight.
This followed a lesson called, "how to tell if you're about to get into a bar fight."

2. Do not accept the opinions of anyone, even people you admire, without first doing exhaustive research so you can form your own opinion. Then take this nuanced opinion to your close friends and family and play devil's advocate until someone asks you to leave Christmas.

3. How to MacGyver anything. My fondest memory of this is when my dad and uncle nearly burned down our house while fixing the hot water tank with a homemade blow torch. The only casualty was my First Communion slip. I'm not upset about it.

4. How to build (and thus repair) a bike. I can't even express how important this is to me.

5. If you wear it this season, it will be in next season. Or maybe next lifetime. But salmon running shorts and Hawaiian shirts will be in eventually.

6. How to cook an egg. This was my first culinary endeavor and it was a big deal.

7. Life is not fair. And sometimes it is terrible. And sometimes it is awesome. And all of that is ok and normal and you will be fine.

And last but certainly not least:

8. The secret to success. This was for Nan's DTSP class freshman year of college. When I emailed my dad the question, this is the answer I got:

"Success is when you achieve your goal. Choosing the goal is the first step. Choosing a goal. Let's take a simple example. Making breakfast. First clear your mind. Next wait for inspiration. In a moment or 2 you will begin to visualize yourself sitting at the breakfast table, or on your way to class. Next the smells and tastes of breakfast will rise up. It may be a bowl of cereal, or an egg mc muffin sandwich. As the world around you takes over your mind contradictions and urgency will present various scenarios. One of them will gain strength and the course will become apparent. As you act on it you will stand up, then move irresistibly to your goal. There may be surprising twists in this journey. The milk you visualized has vanished, a friend offers you a delicious bagel. Don't worry, breakfast will come and success will very likely visit you. Expand this concept to the broad sweep of your life. Sit quietly. Empty your mind of all thoughts. Slowly allow yourself to contemplate the arc of your existence. Allow the perfect world to present itself to you in the context of that moment. Now project what you perceive as your self into this world. From emptiness to fullness you will glimpse your place. Executing the many steps to success. Begin with emptiness. Proceed to action gradually. Check your progress by returning to nothingness at regular intervals. In short, start with mindlessness. Trust in that which is revealed. Progress to mindfulness. Repeat until you no longer live in this realm. That is the secret to success."

If I missed any lessons, I'm confident that they are in the above paragraph and I just haven't thought hard enough about it to see it.


So there you have it. Happy Father's Day dad, I hope you are not too embarrassed by this mess of a thing I call my blog. If you are, no worries, my reader base is like, half my facebook friends. And one guy in Germany. I can't explain that.

Have a good week folks, Love you dad,

Kaitlyn

The Mother Trucking Navy Pier Bike Detour.

So I have the Loveliest daily commute on the planet. Starting between 4 and 5 am, I hop on my bike and cruise downtown on the Lakeshore trail with the sunrise. Literally the only thing standing in the way of cycling nirvana is the bike detour at Navy Pier. While I can usually bypass 90% of the tourist crowd, I now have to plow through it at 2pm (peak Pier hours). The result is a gradual build up of aggression and fury that could blow at any given moment. So instead of screaming at trail patrons, I come up with ways to torture them until the are moderately to severely annoyed. Here is my list: 

If I get stuck behind one more family strung five abreast takin’ up the whole damn path, I will kick buckets of tiny pebble at them. 

If one more person feels the need to do a sunburst jazz hand motion to my face as I pass them after shouting “left,” I will eat a bean and egg sandwich and fart upwind of them.  

If one more butt-face in a bro tank sprints past me only to slow down in front of me because he can’t keep my pace for more than 100 yards, I will plague him with swarms of gnats every 20 feet until he has so many bugs up his nose and mouth that he will be snotting them out for weeks. 

If one more yippee dog on an extendable leash darts across my path, I will punt that little shart into the lake. 

If I see one more person playing on their phone LITERALLY WALKING INTO ME, I will take his phone, change the language to Russian and program it to only ring in Gregorian chants for the rest of it’s life. 

If I see one more Divvy Biker try to pass a pedestrian by cycling up their ass than shouting “MOVE” at the last second, I will switch out their deodorant for 3 day old congealed bacon grease. 

If I am behind one more Rent-A-Biker who doesn't think that she can get across the Pier Entrance Drive in 16 seconds and decides to wait it out for the next official walk signal, I will replace her Advil with laxatives.

What I’m saying is, we need a bike autobahn. Pass on the left.   

How Not to Out Someone

It's June Friends!

If you remember from last year, June is Gay Pride month and I have been in full swing celebration. Orange is the New Black came out, I went to Midsommarfest, watched the Tony Awards, and worked a discussion about lesbians in literature last night.

So I'm handing out programs and a man walks up to me. With no introduction he asks, "So are you a lesbian?" Because I was working a queer lady centered event and I'm comfortable enough with that label I gave a straightforward "yes." But for the record, there are about a hundred less weirdo ways to ask someone if they're gay.

Generally, it's not of the utmost importance that you know someone's sexuality, but we all find ourselves in situations where we want to know. Here are some way less weird ways to handle yourself in a situation when you are unsure of someone's sexuality and are just dying to find out.

1) First of all, get to know the person. Asking a total stranger about their sexual preference is super weird.
2) Caveat: if you're in a bar/club/flirting situation adopt the "everyone is gay" perspective. If the flirtee turns out to be straight, move on! People assume I'm into dudes all the time. No offence taken. Getting tastefully flirted with can be flattering, even when there's nothing to be gained.
3) Bring up some gay topics with them. Ask if they're going to pride, drop a few tv references (think Glee, Skins, Pretty Little Liars, RuPaul's Drag Race).
4) Talk about yourself first. I'm pretty out, but I am more comfortable coming out to someone if it's part of a conversation rather than a one sided questioning. That can start feeling like an interrogation. No one likes that.
5) Ask them what they think of X celebrity. This is a good option because celebrities of all genders are super attractive. So if someone doesn't want to come out to you they can say "oh I would kill for Donald Glover's abs." They can be ambiguous or they can take the opportunity to say "oh I would kill for Donald Glover's abs but I would jump down Olivia Wilde's pants." Or "I would jump down Donald Glover and Olivia Wild's pants." Limitless.
6) "You play softball?" *wink* (winking is key)
7) Gents, I need some help with stereotypes beyond "are you a theatre major?" and "did you go to an all boys Catholic school?"

Jokes aside, the point I'm trying to make is that a person's identity is their own business. There are plenty of reasons why someone might not want to come out. Asking directly is effective, but if the only escape route is lying, you've just cornered someone into an uncomfortable situation. Asking directly in public adds more pressure to an already tense situation. Don't do that. If you're going to go the direct route do it privately after you've gotten to know the person.

More importantly, consider why you need to know this person's sexuality. If it's to crack a joke or embarrass them, don't ask. Make sure you have a valid reason to ask. People will tell you if you they want you to know. Don't create an awkward situation by rushing the answer out of them.

Kaitlyn

A Quick Post Grad Update For You.

Happy June!

It's been a little while. I've been a little busy graduating, moving, putting up a show, and binge watching Orange is the New Black (more on that later because SWEET JESUS). I'm nearing the end of a 5 day break between jobs and have taken full advantage of the downtime.

As for grand scheme "plans after graduation" here they are:

1) Brunch with my parents. Accomplished.

2) Move to Andersonville (neighborhood just southwest of Roger's park where I'm currently subletting for June and have gone to school for 4 years) in July. Stay in Chicago for the foreseeable future.

3) Work at Dollop Coffee Shop in the loop on kitchen or register. Not yet a barista but I've got the basics and will hopefully get trained in coffee soon.

4) Keep auditioning for stuff. Mostly straight plays. But I still enjoy doing musicals. Though I really miss dancing and would love to get involved in the Chicago scene. So I'm looking into that, but classes cost money and I need some time to work and save up. So dance is on the back burner, but I love the performance scene in Chicago and I'm so excited to get more involved.

So there you have it. I know some of my family and friends from home read this so I figured I'd fill you in. Miss everyone in Ohio, but I'm planning on coming home in mid August and then hopefully for some holidays.

Peace out home skillets,
Kaitlyn