So I have the Loveliest daily commute on the planet. Starting between 4 and 5 am, I hop on my bike and cruise downtown on the Lakeshore trail with the sunrise. Literally the only thing standing in the way of cycling nirvana is the bike detour at Navy Pier. While I can usually bypass 90% of the tourist crowd, I now have to plow through it at 2pm (peak Pier hours). The result is a gradual build up of aggression and fury that could blow at any given moment. So instead of screaming at trail patrons, I come up with ways to torture them until the are moderately to severely annoyed. Here is my list:
If I get stuck behind one more family strung five abreast takin’ up the whole damn path, I will kick buckets of tiny pebble at them.
If one more person feels the need to do a sunburst jazz hand motion to my face as I pass them after shouting “left,” I will eat a bean and egg sandwich and fart upwind of them.
If one more butt-face in a bro tank sprints past me only to slow down in front of me because he can’t keep my pace for more than 100 yards, I will plague him with swarms of gnats every 20 feet until he has so many bugs up his nose and mouth that he will be snotting them out for weeks.
If one more yippee dog on an extendable leash darts across my path, I will punt that little shart into the lake.
If I see one more person playing on their phone LITERALLY WALKING INTO ME, I will take his phone, change the language to Russian and program it to only ring in Gregorian chants for the rest of it’s life.
If I see one more Divvy Biker try to pass a pedestrian by cycling up their ass than shouting “MOVE” at the last second, I will switch out their deodorant for 3 day old congealed bacon grease.
If I am behind one more Rent-A-Biker who doesn't think that she can get across the Pier Entrance Drive in 16 seconds and decides to wait it out for the next official walk signal, I will replace her Advil with laxatives.
What I’m saying is, we need a bike autobahn. Pass on the left.
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