So last night my roommates and I watched The Conjuring. Because that's what you do when you have the horror movie tolerance of the typical 5 year old and thought you'd take the night as a "rest day."
As predicted, I stayed awake until 1am rationalizing why my body is the perfect vessel for demonic possession.
1) My Catholic Standing
I hit this sweet spot in Catholicism where I'm baptized and confirmed and just Catholic enough to be on the satanic radar, but (given my current "mid-twenties-humanism" approach to spirituality) I probably don't qualify for full protective benefits from the spirit in the sky. Not to mention all this business about Pope Francis and the bishops and the gays. If this went down on October 18th I might have a shot at getting exorcised. But by the 20th the Vatican would be all:
PAPA FRAN: "Oh hey, there's this chick out in Chicago vomiting blood and killing innocent Divvy Bikers, probably Satan up to his dirty tricks again, whaddya say Bishops?"
BISHOPS: "Oh yes, deploy the exorcism commit...WAIT a hot second, she's a flaming homosexual. This could be terrible publicity after formally taking back our brief acceptance of the heathens on October 20th. Ah well."
HOWEVER, there is hope. I happen to be the granddaughter of the one and only Fran Dessoffy, (of no genetic relation to the aforementioned Papa Fran) who is probably the most holy human on the face of the planet. My family has destroyed basically every rule in Catholic doctrine and this woman loves and accepts us anyway. So I'm 90% confident that should I require an exorcism, she could hook me up with one of her many cool priest friends and save my mortal soul and whatever Divvy Bikers remain.
2) They prey on the psychologically week
I watched a horror movie with 3 people, mostly with the lights on, and still stayed up half the night contemplating why a demonic spirit will more than likely latch on to my person.
The other day I literally shouted "NOOO" and jumped out of my seat on the train because I thought I saw a bedbug. It was a spec of dirt.
one can never be too careful about these things.
3) Nick is my brother
I mean this in the most sibling-y way possible, but this at least triples my chances.
4) I am in excellent physical health
Possessed Lili Taylor was mad strong. I like to think my chances of fighting off various priests and clairvoyants is better than hers. Again, making me the logical choice.
So we are now on night 2 of knowing that this movie exists. That's all I got.
G'night,
Kait
